I Would Know You
by Dark Ki
Summary: YAOI! RxS AKA the "NYC fic." NOW COMPLETE! Some people can never be separated, not by space, time, or memory. This is the story of two old friends meeting in new lives, and the wonderful, terrible things that happen as they begin to discover what binds
1. Chapter 1

I missed the bus again.  
  
It never fails. Stupid public transit is always on time when it's nice outside, so it's not like I get the chance to enjoy the day before I'm stuck in school or work. God forbid I'm on the bus after less than twenty minutes of waiting when it's boiling hot or freezing cold. So now I'm standing here with my boots halfway filled with slush. I can't feel my fingers. And I swear I have an icicle hanging from my nose. I make the mistake of sitting down on the bench, which is cold and wet, probably from some jerk driving their car too close to the curb. This place is dreary, especially in winter... like all the color's been sucked out. It's not like the dreams I can barely remember... even those have more light and substance than this place. And I'm alone, too... nobody to even talk to while I wait. Probably just as well... most people take a look at me and think "little kid," so I get ignored.  
  
... except for the guy pulling up to the curb. Really slow, too, so I'm not getting splashed. And now he's rolling down the window... wow, nice car. Sleek and black, with tinted windows, like in the movies.  
  
"The bus got into an accident about ten blocks away... think it's gonna be a while." The voice is young and male, pretty mellow and friendly for a New Yorker. Still, bad news is bad news.  
  
"Wonderful. Do me a favor and send the coroner my way. And tell 'em to bring a chisel."  
  
I see the automatic lock pop, but I just stand there. For a second, I wonder if I'm not a little too old for some pedophile. I don't look that young, do I?  
  
"You want a ride home or not?"  
  
Scared or not, I'm too cold to care. I open the door and slip into the warmth of the car. "I'm gonna wreck the inside of your car... I'm soaked...." I stop when I get a good look at my savior. He can't be much older than me, maybe a year or two... and he's driving a car like this?! I dunno much about cars, but this thing screams expensive. All lights and digital consoles... the glow makes his eyes seem kinda unnatural. I've never seen anybody with eyes that color... like the ocean around those tropical islands I'll never be able to afford to visit.  
  
"... get it cleaned later. Better than letting you freeze to death. My conscience would never forgive me."  
  
Oops, he was talking to me, and I'm busy staring into his eyes like some goofball. I can't help it though... you'd think I'd remember exotic features like his-- and yeah, he seems familiar-- but I swear I've never met him before. If I had, I'd know him immediately... what teenager has silver-white hair and eyes like that? "... thanks."  
  
He shrugs. The inside of the car smells like new leather, both from the cushy gray seats and his black motorcycle jacket. It's kinda comforting. "What's your name?" He's keeping his eyes on the street as he pulls away, but that doesn't mean his interest is off me.  
  
"Sora." I snuggle down into my worn windbreaker, feeling the chill melting off me. I feel sleepy and relaxed, so much that I almost miss him talking to me again. Damn.  
  
"Nice to meet you, Sora. I'm Riku. Now, where am I taking you?"  
  
"... home...." I think I'm having another blackout, but it doesn't matter... I've never felt so warm....

* * *

Of course I'd wake up anyplace other than my home. I never told him where it was, after all. But I kinda expected to end up back on the street... who wants some poor kid holed up in their place? So it was the weirdest thing to find myself wrapped in a blanket on an expensive couch. Wow, must be the Christmas spirit or something. I sit up, staring into the flames crackling away in the fireplace and clutching the folds of the blanket to my chest like a shield. I only let go of it when Riku presses a heavy mug into my hands. I didn't even hear him come out of the kitchen. He looks just as stylish as I'd expect, dressed all in dark, muted colors, everything probably designer. He's wearing a long necklace with a smoothly polished amber heart dangling from it. It looks really feminine.  
  
"You scared me in the car... I thought you'd passed out from the cold at first." He sits beside me with his own mug, sipping so I won't feel quite so awkward accepting his hospitality. Food's always better when everyone's got something, I guess. I take a sip of mine, thanking the coffee gods for this black, strong brew. I don't even bother with the cream or sugar he's set on the low table; the bitterness reminds me that I didn't freeze to death at the bus stop.  
  
"Heat makes me sleepy. S'why I burrow into the blankets when I sleep." Yeah, now that I have them. The heat in my place works maybe three days out of the whole winter, and I just got my third blanket to add to the pile. "Can I ask you something? What were you doing out in that part of the city?"  
  
He looks uncomfortable, as if he's not even sure what to say. "I don't know. I took a detour around some construction, but instead of turning back onto my route, I just... kept going."  
  
"Man, I hope I didn't inconvenience you too much...."  
  
"Nah." He smiles into his coffee. "You slept right through me parking and getting out. I just had to run into the university to drop off my papers."  
  
"You're in college?"  
  
"Yeah, just started. Psych major, NYU."  
  
God, I just had an inferiority complex. Sure, I skipped a year of high school, but I also missed a year because of my health. So I broke even. He's in NYU; I'm struggling just to make it through my senior year of high school. Add in my current state of living and I feel like a freaking charity case. Would he be this nice if it wasn't less than a month to Christmas?  
  
"What about you?"  
  
Oh god, here it comes. "I... I'm still in high school... senior year."  
  
"A senior? I thought you were younger than that...."  
  
I groan. Not again... I can't help being short! "If I had a dollar for every time I've heard that...." I could afford the rent for my little hole in the wall for the next century.  
  
Riku chuckles. "Sorry, but you do look really young. Seventeen, right?" I nod. "Only a year younger than me, then."  
  
I look up from my mug and immediately wish I hadn't. He's looking right back at me, curious and not the slightest bit threatening, and yet I feel like my heart is in my throat. I wish he wouldn't do that... his eyes make me feel like I'm burning inside. I know my face is burning, and I hope he just writes it off as a result of the warmth of the room. "I... I really should go... I need to get home...." No, I don't. No school tomorrow, no work, no pets to take care of, no one to miss me... all I'd be going home to is a spartan, dismal nest.  
  
"Sora, you can't. The snowstorm really has the streets clogged up... it's just not safe out there. Besides, it's late."  
  
Late? How late? I look around for a clock and my jaw drops. It's almost quarter after one in the morning! I was asleep for that long, in a stranger's apartment? I feel so out of place here it's not even funny. "It's not late... it's really early...." Oh, that sounded weak....  
  
"Sora. Just stay the rest of the night, and I'll take you home myself at a reasonable hour. It's no trouble, I swear."  
  
"But...."  
  
"Please?"  
  
I sigh. I don't know why I care, but he was nice enough to help me, so how could I hurt his feelings by refusing? I finish my coffee, using the chance to wonder what I'm getting myself into. "Okay. Thanks, Riku." I set the mug down and curl up on the couch again. At least he doesn't protest my choice of sleeping arrangements, just getting up to take the mugs into the kitchen.  
  
"You're welcome. Sleep well, Sora."  
  
The last thing I remember is Riku turning out the lights, plunging everything into darkness.  
  
Darkness....

* * *

For as long as I can remember, I've had two different kinds of dreams. One is the bright, beautiful vision of worlds so unlike this that the sight of them blinds me. I've seen walking cards as tall as a man and a hero in bright golden armor. I've summoned a laughing genie and swum in oceans that I can breathe like air and navigate with the flick of a dolphin's tail. Those are wonderful dreams whose glittering sparks fade so quickly after I wake, leaving me with only the thinnest threads of memory. But those tiny flickers make me smile, even if I find myself wishing I could hold them longer.  
  
But the other dreams... those I wish I could forget. The ones that I wake up from only at the sound of my own screaming. Even when I'm awake, I feel their claws and fangs tearing at me, hurting me, drawing blood until I'm afraid to look down for fear I'll see it pooling around me. So many horrible, inhuman monsters, oozing darkness until it chokes me... but it's the one that looks the most human that always makes me scream.  
  
Those eyes... I can never remember them, but their memory haunts me all the same. Those eyes wake me up from my comfortable nest in Riku's apartment.

* * *

"Sora?"  
  
I feel his hands on my shoulders. He's looking right at me, alarmed by my screaming, and I'm terrified to meet his eyes. If I do, they'll glow with hate and then I'll know for sure that I'm trapped in my nightmare....  
  
"Sora!"  
  
Riku's shaking me now, not hard enough to give me whiplash, but enough to make me stop screaming and stare at him. My face is wet, and he's dabbing at my eyes with the sleeve of his robe. My throat feels tight; I open my mouth to say his name, and nothing comes out. Nothing at all.  
  
"You were screaming in your sleep. It was a nightmare, wasn't it?"  
  
No, it's my only nightmare. The one I see at least once a week. I'm still shaking, and I don't think I'll ever stop unless I hold onto someone. He's the only person there, so I resist the urge to throw my arms around him. I just lean against him and cry, trying not to think about the first thirty seconds or so, when he sits there as still as stone. I know I'm confusing him, probably alarming him even more, but I don't care. It's the first time in years I've had someone there when I woke up from those dreams, and I need the contact before I lose my mind.  
  
Still, it's better when I feel his arms slide timidly around my shoulders. I don't bother counting the seconds he holds me until I finally fall asleep again. Time lasts longer that way.  
  
TBC 


	2. Chapter 2

I still wake up before him. He must've gone back to his room after I dozed off again, but at least I slept through the rest of the night. I step out onto the balcony, breathing the sharp scent of winter air as I reach into my pocket. That's when I realize what I'm getting a bird's-eye view of as I look down.  
  
Central Park.  
  
Not only is Riku rich, he's loaded. I feel like I shouldn't even be breathing the air in this place. I could never afford it. My hands shake so badly I can barely get my fingers to work. It's a relief to see the thin curl of white, quickly whisked away by the chill wind, and an even bigger relief a few moments later.  
  
"You're the first guy I've ever met who smokes Capris."  
  
I nearly drop my cigarette as I whirl around to face him, saving it only by virtue of practice. It's the only somewhat expensive habit I have, so god forbid I lose any of my occasional smokes. "You scared the crap outta me! What are you, a ghost? You don't make any noise!"  
  
Riku shrugs. "I learned to walk softly when I lived at home. If you did anything but tiptoe, it would echo down some of the halls." He steps onto the balcony, resting his arms on the railing. He's still dressed in dark colors and wearing that amber heart around his neck. "Didn't figure you for a smoker."  
  
"Yeah, well... I make a pack last more than three weeks. Really occasional smoker. If it's a problem...." I move to snuff it out on the railing, since I couldn't find an ashtray anywhere, but he stops me.  
  
"No, it's okay. Thanks for going outside, though."  
  
Now it's my turn to shrug. "Not my place, not my right to smoke inside. Doesn't bother me."  
  
We stand there in silence for a long time, just watching the city pass us by. I feel almost godlike, being so far above everybody else, and yet it frightens me a little. I'm looking down at where I belong... earthbound, hidden in the streets and the snow and the grime. I'm an intruder here. I shiver and take a longer drag this time.  
  
"If you give me directions, I'll take you home. It's no big deal, really."  
  
The last thing I want is for Riku to see my "home." It never bothered me before, but it bothers me now. I think I'm ashamed. "... nah, it's okay. I've got a bunch of stuff to do anyway." I flick the butt of my cigarette over the railing, watching it arc and tumble to earth.  
  
"At least let me take you out to breakfast...."  
  
I'm squirming inside now. "Look, I really appreciate you helping me out, but you don't have to do all this."  
  
"It's a pleasure, really." He's almost smiling, but not quite. "Call it the holiday spirit if you want, but that's just how I am."  
  
... now I'm really bothered. This whole thing just feels... off. I don't know how or why, but something about this whole situation makes me shiver. I force myself to turn around and head inside, rather than backing into the warmth of his apartment. I'm not going to treat him like a wild animal, no matter how nervous I am. "Thanks, really... but I should just go. Don't want you getting attached." I look over my shoulder and grin, trying to soften it into a friendly tease.  
  
"Then... maybe I'll see you around sometime?" Riku holds out his hand, offering it to me.  
  
Deja vu explodes across my brain like a physical blow. I think I actually staggered back a step a second ago, and I can feel the color draining from my face.  
  
What the hell is wrong with me? Oh god, please don't let me have a blackout in front of him....  
  
"Sora?" Riku's looking at me with naked concern. "Are you okay?"  
  
"Y-- yeah... listen, if you really wanna see me again, I work nights at this little dive. Autumn's." Before I even think about it, I'm pulling out an old bank envelope and scribbling down the address with the pen he hands to me. I hand over the envelope and the pen, trying to resist the urge to tear them out of his grasp. What am I doing? "It's a little hole. Clean, good food, but still a hole."  
  
He smiles at me. My heart flutters, and I quickly stomp it into my stomach to shut it up. I'd better take my medication before I do something really stupid. "I'll be there. Take care of yourself, Sora."  
  
"You too...." I'm gone as fast I can, grabbing my coat from the hook near the door. I just hope I don't run into any rich snobs on the elevator.

* * *

School was the usual hell on Monday. Everybody else goofs off and makes it hard to concentrate. Guess they don't care that some people actually want to be here. Small wonder that I'm the only one who passes the pop quiz our English lit teacher springs on us. I'm used to the dirty looks now. That's what happens when you study, guys... you can actually be top of your class.  
  
Work was better. Teresa had a bowl of soup waiting for me, just like always... Italian wedding today. One of my favorites. I always get to work a half hour early so I can eat at a normal pace. These are probably the best meals I get all day. I talk with Lauren, the other waitress on night shift, while I eat. I feel like a beloved kid brother when she ruffles my hair and laughs at all my jokes. These people are like my family... they accept me, they worry about me, they try to make me happy, and I do the best I can to return all those little gestures.  
  
"I got worried when you didn't come home the other night, hon." Oh man, Teresa's doing the mother hen thing again. I don't mind it, though. It's good to know I'm cared about enough to be missed. "I was gonna bring you a pot of my chicken and dumplings, but you didn't answer. For a bit, I thought you'd had another... you know...."  
  
"Nah, I crashed with a... friend." Best thing to say. If I tell her a stranger picked me up, she'll worry that I'd gone and gotten myself molested. She says I'm too cute to wander the streets alone. "Don't worry, I took my meds."  
  
"You really shouldn't be living by yourself, even if you are right upstairs. What if you get sick?"  
  
"I haven't had an attack in months. As long as I keep up with my meds, I'll be fine." I turn my attention to the last of my soup. The chicken meatballs are nice and tender, and she uses real escarole instead of the spinach that a lot of places try to pass off in their soups. Heaven in a bowl, that's Teresa's soup.  
  
"Sora love... I'm just afraid for a nice boy like you. Aren't you lonely?"  
  
I can't help grinning. "Why not match me up with Lauren? I'm sure her boyfriend won't mind." I hear the sound of Lauren's playfully indignant shriek and duck the wet rag she throws at me. Heh, my reflexes still work. I pick up my bowl to sip the last of my soup, barely paying attention to the sound of the door opening and closing.  
  
"Oh my...." Teresa's murmur sounds pretty surprised. Maybe the mayor just walked in? Her soup really is that good.... I put down the empty bowl and swivel in my seat.  
  
My heart skips a beat, then does two almost at the same time to make up for it.  
  
Riku.  
  
He takes a few more steps toward us and stops to smile at me. He's wrapped in a black leather duster this time, making him look almost sinister somehow. I force myself to swallow past the lump in my throat. "Wh-- what're you doing here...?"  
  
"You told me I could see you again if I wanted to. I wanted to."  
  
I can see the girls looking at me strangely from the corners of my eyes. My face is getting hot, along with the tips of my ears. "... yeah, I guess I did. Not that I can figure out why you'd want to waste your time on me."  
  
"Call it a compulsion."  
  
I barely bite back a laughing snort. "Well, the object of your compulsion has to work."  
  
Riku just keeps smiling at me. Now my neck feels hot, too. "I'll just have something to eat while I wait, then."  
  
I roll my eyes and slide off my stool, flicking a dismissive wave in his direction. "Suit yourself. Lucky for you it's a short shift tonight."

* * *

I can't believe it. Five hours later, he's still sitting at the bar. Not only that, he's chatting with Teresa and they're both laughing like they're old friends. And every time I come out of the kitchen, he glances at me. If I get flustered and drop a tray, I'll be really unhappy. I never drop anything on shift. I nudge the door open, carrying a tray of dirty dishes to the sink. Lauren is right behind me with her own tray.  
  
"Sooo?"  
  
"So what?"  
  
She grins at me. That's the grin that means trouble. "So... where'd you meet him?"  
  
Already I'm wary about this line of questioning. "... don't tell Teresa, but he picked me up at the bus stop. The bus broke down, so he gave me a ride."  
  
"But you never made it home." Her grin's getting even wider, and now I'm really worried. "He took you back to his place, didn't he?"  
  
"Yeah...."  
  
"A-ha! I knew it!" Oh god, help me. She's giggling. A giggling woman is a bad sign.  
  
"Knew what? Have you been breathing the oven cleaner again?"  
  
Lauren swats at me, and I manage once again to avoid her playful wrath. "So, how was it?"  
  
"It was a ride, Lauren...."  
  
"I bet it was! But how was it?"  
  
"... okay, now you lost me." I roll my eyes and start rinsing dishes, loading them into the washer.  
  
"Geez, Sora! You're such a virgin! Well... not anymore, riiiiight?"  
  
I drop the handful of silverware I'm holding into the sink; the clatter makes my ears ring. "What?!" I take one look at her giggling into her hands and realization all but bashes me in the forehead. "Y-- you think... he... I... we... we slept together?! I barely know the guy! We just met!"  
  
"I think it's romantic... the shy young man and a mysterious, handsome stranger...." She winks at me and picks up her next tray. "Don't let him get away! And don't be ashamed... I had you pegged from day one. That's why my boyfriend doesn't get jealous when he sees me hugging you!" And with that, she's gone, the door swinging gently behind her.  
  
I bang my head on the edge of the sink. Repeatedly.

* * *

He's still sitting there when I finish my shift. Damn, I banged my head pretty hard. I think I have a headache. I really hope I didn't leave a mark, because I don't feel like answering questions. Lauren giggles at me from across the room, and I resist the urge to pull my coat over my head. I'd just end up smothering myself, which could be a good thing anyway at this rate.  
  
"Your friend is quite charming, Sora." Teresa's got her "approval" smile firmly in place. Damn. How am I supposed to shake Riku off my back now? For the first time, I'm wishing the girls weren't so open-minded.  
  
"Yeah, he's something." I shove my hands in my pockets and scuff my toe into the floor. If I just play it cool, I'll eventually stop blushing.  
  
"It was nice meeting you both. I'm sure I'll see you again sometime."  
  
I gape at Riku as he shakes hands with Teresa. See you again? But that means he'd have to come here... to see me.... Before I even think about it, I snag Riku by the arm and none too gently pull him out, calling back some vague goodbye to the girls. Only after the door closes do I look up at his bemused expression. Now I'm beet red again. Wonderful. "Making friends with the little folk?"  
  
Riku sighs. "Sora, my money has nothing to do with my friends. Besides, it's my father's money, and if you really want to know, I don't really talk to him much."  
  
Oh. I can't really take back that little stab, can I? I drop my gaze to the pavement and shrug. "I wouldn't know what that's like. I don't have any real family. The girls are the closest thing I have."  
  
"It must be lonely."  
  
Again, I shrug. It's like I'm developing a nervous twitch. "I don't mind being alone. I don't have to worry about making a good impression."  
  
"Not a people person, huh?"  
  
"Yeah, I guess." I look up just in time to get a snowflake in my eye. God, will it never stop snowing? And it's only the beginning of December. "Got hurt too many times. Guess I look like a target or something... you know, the sweet, innocent little kid."  
  
Riku chuckles. "So you don't like people. I see."  
  
"See what?" I glare at him, but it just doesn't quite feel right, like I can't really be irritated with him.  
  
"Why you're still holding onto my arm."  
  
Damn. Damn. Damn.  
  
Riku laughs again, a quiet sound that swirls away into the falling snow as we walk. "I still owe you a cup of coffee, at least."  
  
He holds onto my arm, quite gently, as we leave our footprints on the snowy sidewalk. And all I can think about is why I didn't pull away when I had the chance.  
  
TBC 


	3. Chapter 3

I barely say a word the whole time we're in the coffee shop. I've already told him too much, I can't afford to get close, and I still can't figure out why he's so interested in me. I'm so wrapped up in the little thoughts chasing each other inside my head, I nearly fail to notice something as I slosh through the dirt and wet snow back to Autumn's. Riku is following me. I stop dead, glad that I'm still pretty far down the street from my place.  
  
"Is there something you want from me?"  
  
"I just wanted to walk you home. It's late, and this isn't the best neighborhood in the city."  
  
"No kidding. Trust me, I'll be fine. I live here, you know." I turn and keep walking, listening to the wet crunch of Riku's boots behind me. "Riku, go home. This is stupid."  
  
He stops right behind me, and I find myself flinching as I wait for him to lay a hand on me. It never comes. "Wanting to be your friend is stupid?"  
  
"Yes. You gave me a ride. Does that mean you expect more from me? I gave you my gratitude, which is about all I can give. What else do you want from me?" He doesn't say anything, and that gives me the chills. I wait for the grasping hand again, though this time I worry that it'll be a painful, unbreakable grip, the kind that drags you into an alley but doesn't prepare you for what happens next. "My body?"  
  
"Wh-- what?" If he's not shocked, it sure as hell sounds genuine.  
  
"Do you want my body?" I face him now, trying to give him a smoldering look that I know is pretty pathetic. Amazingly, I can watch him turning red, even though I feel like a total cornball. "Must get pretty lonely in that big place, all by yourself."  
  
"Just what are you implying?" He doesn't sound angry or even disappointed, just confused.  
  
Now I turn away, dropping the fake seductive act in favor of my usual walls. "Maybe I've got you all figured out. You money types think we'll do anything for a little drop in the bucket. Sorry, my ass and what little dignity I have aren't for sale."  
  
"... you think... that I think... you're a prostitute?"  
  
No, I have to keep the walls up. No matter how much the horrified shock in his voice hits me right in the gut, no matter how genuinely shaken he sounds. "I think you think I can be made into a whore. Forget it. I've got too much else in my life right now."  
  
"... Sora...."  
  
"See you around, Riku... if I'm not lucky." I don't run. Running would just make it seem like I'm afraid. So I walk quickly, hearing only one pair of footsteps in the slush. And that's just the way I want it.

* * *

It's more than just my face that's numb by the time I get inside. Everything feels cold and dead, but it's even worse inside. I blow off people like they're nothing most of the time, and I feel even less guilty when it's some rich snob... not that I get many opportunities to do something like that. Why, of all the times I could start growing a conscience, did it have to happen now?  
  
Because Riku's genuinely nice? I try to squash that nagging little voice in the back of my head, but I don't quite have the urge today. Ah, hell with it. It's easy enough to ignore. I toss my wet coat onto the closest hook and kick off my boots, wiggling my poor frozen toes. Cold, wet feet suck, so I take a minute to change my socks before I do anything else. The last thing I need is to catch a cold. After that comes my meds. My eternal leash, I should say. A few people have made the mistake of asking me why I can be the most miserable sonuvabitch in Alphabet City. That is not a good question to ask, especially when I'm all wrapped up in thoughts of a stranger that just won't leave me alone....  
  
GAH! Even now, I can't get my mind off him. Since when did simple kindness make such a good impression on me? Well, besides Teresa and Lauren. They don't count. I've gotta be friends with them. I mean, how can you work with people you can't stand? Yeah, I know a lot of people do, but I have a short temper and an acid tongue and I really need that job. So better to be friends with them. Not that I spend any more time around them than I need to. I never know what's waiting around the corner for me, what could happen in the next second. The last thing I need is....  
  
Self-musings halted. Done. Finito. I'm not thinking about it, and I have pills to take. I pad toward the kitchenette, listening to the creak of the floorboards under the threadbare carpet.  
  
the dock creaks when you walk on it, or when the wind blows too strongly from the southwest  
  
What the hell...?  
  
white sand shifts between bare toes... the crackle of a dead palm leaf underfoot  
  
I'm awake. I'm not dreaming. So why do I hear the ocean? I've never been to the ocean....  
  
sea breeze carries salt spray... stings the eyes, but cools the face from the hot summer sun  
  
I almost close my eyes. I don't want the salt to burn them, but there's no spray in the air....  
  
bent palm sways in the wind... he'll never fall off his favorite perch, though... not a palm, but a--  
  
My hand slams against the wall as I catch myself. Everything's spinning. My head hurts, and there's this roaring in my ears. Is it the ocean? I can still hear it... it sounds like the blood rushing through my skull. I can't hear the traffic outside, I can't feel the chill of my apartment. There's no rattle of the heater or creaking floorboards or snow and hail pattering against the windows. There's only the sound of my blood howling, the ocean screaming, to accompany the dark veil pulling down over my senses.  
  
Oh.  
  
I'm falling, aren't I?  
  
It always happens this way. How could I forget?  
  
rich, confident voice in my ears, cutting through adrenaline....  
  
"my turn"  
  
sharp crack across my back... pain and sound telegraphing through my body....  
  
... falling....  
  
falling  
  
... falling....  
  
... into darkness....

* * *

Sora doesn't strike me as the type to be so careless. I tried the door, figuring that I was doing it out of some stupid hope. Imagine my surprise when I found it unlocked. Could he be waiting to ambush me, maybe clock me one for "breaking and entering?" Doubtful, since I'm almost positive he didn't notice me following far behind him. I feel like a thief for doing it, but it's not illegal to want to talk. Still, it's a little impolite for me not to knock, but then he really would lock me out and ignore me if I gave him advance warning.  
  
I open the door slowly, peeking inside and waiting for something heavy to crash down on my unsuspecting head. Other than the sight of a tiny, dim, rundown apartment, I don't see anything out of sorts. I step inside and close the door behind me, wincing as my wet boots squeak on the worn hardwood of the entryway. "Sora? Look, I just want to talk."  
  
Nothing. It's too quiet.  
  
"I know you'll probably beat the shit out of me for this, but just hear me out. Then if you want me to, I'll go quietly." I pause, listening for any sort of response. That very soft thump... did that come from next door, or just around the corner in the next room? Is that the sound of a struggling human breath? Apprehension prickles at the back of my neck as I round the corner, wishing I knew where the closest light switch is. I can barely see, and that's enough for me to almost trip over the pile of something on the floor.  
  
... god....  
  
... the moving pile of something....  
  
I drop to my knees and lift that slight weight, half-cradling it to my chest as it twitches and shudders and spasms. No, not it... him. His head falls backward over my arm, and the little light coming from a nightlight in the kitchen washes over his face, casting shadows over slack features and half-open eyes that've rolled back until they're totally white. He makes this pitiful little gagging sound, his parted lips pale in the softly golden light. My heart twists into a cold knot in my chest; I feel totally numb to everything except him as he rides out the seizure, his fragile body seemingly ready to break apart in my arms from this horrible devil's dance.  
  
And then it's over. One moment, he's nearly twisting against me. The next, he's still and silent except for the soft rasp of his breath. Thank god he didn't stop breathing, at least. I check his pulse... rapid but not dangerously so. I watch his eyes slide closed, leaving him like a warm rag doll in my arms except for the slight rise and fall of his chest. I know I should get him to the hospital, but I just can't. I carry him to the couch and gently lay him down, sitting on the floor beside him. His face is deceptively peaceful, his body limp. He'll sleep for now, hopefully through the rest of the night.  
  
I know I won't.  
  
TBC 


	4. Chapter 4

I don't want to open my eyes. At this point, I hurt so badly I'd be happy if I just died right here and now. This is never gonna be over, is it? I take pills, try not to exhaust myself too badly, and go to the doctor when I can afford it. But I still come back to this. It's enough to make me roll over and press my face into the pillow, too tired to even cry. Except now I'm wondering where the pillow came from. Didn't I pass out on the floor? Unless that was a dream, too. I turn my head to the side, forcing my eyes open.  
  
Riku's blurry face stands out like an angel's light against the dim, dingy backdrop of my apartment. He... did... not....  
  
"Sora?" His fingers brush my cheek, like a mother's touch. "You had a seizure. Do you remember me?"  
  
My brain's not that scrambled. I croak at him, then manage a nod as I pull myself into a sitting position. "Why... are you here...?"  
  
Riku settles beside me on the couch, watching me closely. "I followed you. You can kick me out later if you want, but I think you'd be a little glad that I found you. Has this ever happened to you before?"  
  
I groan and rub at my eyes, feeling a warm, residual throb in my chest. It always happens that way. If it didn't hurt, it might almost be pleasant. Well, no point in hiding the truth now. I don't think he'd believe me if I denied it. "Yeah, all the time. I'm epileptic."  
  
Riku doesn't even bat an eyelash. It's like he already knew, he was just waiting for me to admit it. God, I hate when people do that. "And you live alone? That's not safe. What if you choke when you have a seizure, or fall and hit your head? Or you could just stop breathing."  
  
I can't keep the scowl off my face. "I've survived this long on my own. If I'm meant to, I'll keep on surviving."  
  
"So, you'll stay here until you die, is that it? Won't you at least go to the hospital?"  
  
I go cold at that word, all the way down to my toes. The first and last time I was in a hospital, I had five neurologists poking at me for days on end. I finally had a screaming panic attack during the CAT scan. They had to restrain me just to finish the test, and damned if I didn't keep screaming the whole time. I hate doctors, I hate hospitals, and there's no way in hell I'm letting Riku drag me back there. "Forget it. I'm staying right here."  
  
"I don't think you have the option." Riku holds up a paper in front of my face, just within reading range. "I wasn't being nosy, it was on your table. It's dated from twenty-six days ago, and it gave you thirty."  
  
"So?"  
  
"It's an eviction notice. That means--"  
  
"I know what it means." I push myself up off the couch, taking a few wobbling steps toward the kitchen. "I'll stay here until they throw me out. Might as well take advantage of the last few days."  
  
Riku follows me, almost but not quite touching me. I can feel it. "Haven't you been paying the rent?"  
  
"Been trying. But I keep ending up paying off most of the month before, then I can't pay the difference or the current month... I fell behind. I just don't earn enough money." I make it into the kitchen without falling, picking up a mug from the dish drainer and filling it with cold water. I want coffee, but I don't have any left. I don't even have the energy to heat the water. I just gulp down the whole mugful, then go for another. My throat feels like sandpaper.  
  
"Then I guess there's one other option. You can come back with me."  
  
I drop the mug into the sink, swearing at the loud clatter of porcelain against steel. At least it doesn't break. "You've got to be kidding."  
  
"I've got more than enough room. Too much. You have a place to live, and I don't feel so alone if I'm coming home to a familiar face besides cleaning staff."  
  
"So I'm the trophy roommate, is that it?" I rinse off the mug and pour another cup of water, sipping as I refuse to look in Riku's direction. The glare I give him when he grabs my shoulder and turns me around is the most scathing one I can manage.  
  
"Alright, since you're going to be stubborn, here's the deal. I can't leave you here in good conscience, so you have two choices. You can move in with me, or I can take you to the hospital."  
  
"... that's blackmail."  
  
Riku's smile is so nice, so normal, it makes me boil inside. "I know."  
  
I lose track of how long we stare each other down, one smiling, one like ice. I finally snort in disgust and fling the mug into the sink, hearing the snap of the handle against the metal. "Fine. Just don't touch me again, got it?"  
  
His hand slips off my shoulder as I storm over to my bed, to gather up what little I owned. Somehow, I could still feel Riku smiling at my back.

* * *

It feels weird to be back in Riku's place, even moreso now that it's my place, too. I feel faded and dirty next to expensive fabrics and furniture. I drop my bags in a corner near the couch and just stand in the middle of the living room, not sure what I should do with myself.  
  
"Why don't you grab a shower, and I'll make some coffee. Unless you'd rather just try to sleep."  
  
"Sick of sleeping." I stumble toward the bathroom, exhausted despite my protest. "No decaf, got it?"  
  
I just drop everything on the floor as I strip, leaving a pile of worn, dingy gray and black on the rug. I crank the shower on as hot as I can stand it and step in. God, it feels so good I can't stop from leaning against the wall and closing my eyes. I'm such an ass, giving in so easily. But I guess this is better than the hospital. It's not like the doctors ever did anything to help me. Deep down, I really feel like my meds are about as effective as sugar pills. Riku's not helping, he's got the same saccharine personality as every nurse or doctor I've ever met: sweet, gentle, understanding... and it's all fake. Nobody ever cares.  
  
... okay, so maybe Riku's not that bad. But why does he care about me? I feel like a stray puppy, I really do, and I don't like it. He's trying too hard, he's stifling me, I don't know what to do....  
  
I don't believe it, I dozed off standing up. The sound of knocking on the bathroom door woke me, thankfully before I fell over and smacked my head. I quickly give myself a shampoo and rinse, scrambling for a towel. "Coming! Hold on a second!"  
  
"Take your time. Coffee's ready."  
  
There's clothes waiting for me when I step out of the shower. Riku must've come in and left them while I was asleep. The sweatpants and shirt are both big on me, made for someone a few inches taller and not built like a starving rail, but they're clean and comfortable. I drape the towel around my neck and follow the smell of coffee into the living room. Riku presses a mug of black coffee into my hands and sits beside me on the couch, stirring his own mug.  
  
"I'm wondering how long your hospitality will last."  
  
Riku stops in mid-stir, though his expression says he's anything but surprised. "I don't have limits on helping a friend. If you think I'll send you packing after two weeks, you're mistaken."  
  
"I was thinking more along the lines of a week." The coffee is really good, a comforting, warm weight in my stomach. It should keep me awake for days at this rate, but I feel so tired.  
  
"I know you're waiting for me to ask something in return, so I'll tell you what I want right now."  
  
He raises a hand to stop me when I roll my eyes. I knew it. He's going to push me back on the couch and do whatever he wants. I'm half tempted to just let him. It's not like I'm saving myself for anybody, and it's almost worth one night of warmth and the promise of breakfast. Yeah, I guess I really have sunk that low.  
  
"I... don't get along with my family, what's left of it anyway. My mother died several years ago, and my father... let's just say my father and I don't see eye to eye." He laughs, and my eyes widen just a little at how bitter the sound is. "I'm the trophy son, basically. He wanted me to go into business so I could take over his company down the line, but now that he knows I'm not budging over going to medical school, he's suddenly proud to have a doctor in the family."  
  
"So what's this got to do with me?"  
  
Riku's expression softens again. "I don't have friends, either. Casual acquaintances, but that's about it. This is such a big place, it'd be nice to have someone to come home to. A friend...."  
  
"I have school. I won't be here every time you come home from class, waiting with open arms." I put my half-empty mug down, yawning. I feel so heavy.  
  
"We can talk about it tomorrow, okay? You can use my bed, I'll sleep on the couch. We'll find something more permanent when we go out."  
  
"Go out?" I'm already getting up, though I feel like lead.  
  
"We'll go shopping tomorrow. You need clothes and other things, right? Don't worry, I'll take care of it."  
  
Another of those smiles, the kind that on anyone else would look fake. I don't even have the energy to argue. I just nod and focus on one step at a time, bringing me from the living room to the bedroom. I'm too tired to even take note of anything but the bed, a big empty expanse of welcoming comfort. I tumble into Riku's bed face-first, laying there for a few moments before burrowing under every layer of blankets. The sheets smell like him, and for some reason that scent lulls me into a deep, wonderful oblivion.  
  
TBC 


	5. Chapter 5

I'd planned on letting Sora sleep, since he was exhausted last night. But now it's well after noon, and there's a lot we have to do today. I quietly open the bedroom door, not wanting to startle him. Oh my god, I just got an eyeful. Of course, Sora's used to sleeping in a drafty room with no heat in the dead of winter. My apartment has central heating and air conditioning. So while he went to bed fully dressed and burrowed under all of my blankets, he must've kicked off the layers one by one through the course of the night. Then off came the clothes, leaving him sprawled on his back, totally naked and spread out over the bed. Before my brain registers that I'm staring, I manage to count his very visible ribs, my gaze flitting over his sharp hipbones and prominent clavicle. He's so thin, I wonder how he could be healthy. But he's not, is he?  
  
Dim blue eyes open a sliver, staring at me sleepily. "What...?" he slurs, obviously slow to wake.  
  
I feel my face grow hot, my immediate instinct to stare at the ceiling. "Getting in the shower go ahead and get something to eat if you want so we can go out knock on the door if you need me!" And with that I slam the door shut and hustle to the bathroom. I was staring at him like some oddity. He's so fragile, but there's ice and fire inside him, contained in a shell of glass. How long before the internal chaos breaks him, destroying body and mind? I'm not thinking as I turn on the shower and strip, moving only because the routine is so familiar. The professional side of me says I can help him, that's what I'm trained for, and that I can't back down no matter how much he fights. Sure, people have to want to be helped, but sometimes they don't know what it is they have to want....  
  
Holy crap, the water's freezing! Okay, I must be more distracted than I thought if I didn't even check the temperature first. Still, it helps banish the sight of Sora's nude form from my memory, though nothing can wash away the pity or the horror I feel. I take my time in the shower, giving my houseguest time to rouse himself fully, dress, and seek breakfast in my cabinets. By the time I emerge from the bathroom, wrapped in a thick robe, I realize just how dangerous it is to leave Sora alone.  
  
I've stepped into a sonic hell. He's sitting on the couch with the TV on, but it's muted so there's nothing to obstruct the blaring sound pounding out of the stereo. I can't be sure, but I think I catch the word "hashpipe" among the lyrics. Sora's eyes are focused on a Bugs Bunny cartoon, not even looking down at the mixing bowl filled with cereal he has cradled in his lap. He's shoveling it in like there's no tomorrow. Well... at least he's got an appetite this morning.  
  
Now if only my ears will stop ringing. At least he's dressed, back in his worn jeans and an old but clean black t-shirt he brought. I notice the white lettering on the front of the shirt, which gives me a better idea of just who I've invited into my home. "Practice safe sex. Go fuck yourself." And he's going to wear that in public? This should prove to be interesting, especially where we're going.

* * *

The inside of Riku's car still feels like something out of a sci-fi movie. Now that I'm conscious and full, I recognize this incredible piece of automotive engineering... a 2003 Lexus SC 430, with every feature they could possibly cram into it. If I had enough ego to be jealous, I would be. Then he puts on some smooth jazz station, and I squirm. I like jazz, but I need something to compete with my mood. Just to annoy the hell out of him, I lean over and flick on the most pounding rock station I can find, filling the black leather and Cali walnut interior of his car with POD's "Youth of a Nation." Oh yeah, this is much better. He'll toss me out after ten or eleven seconds of this insult to his cultured ears.  
  
This is the longest ten seconds of my life. And is he actually smiling a little?  
  
"You could've asked, but it's okay. We'll be there shortly."  
  
"Be where?"  
  
"You need clothes, right?"  
  
... oh my god, we're heading down Madison Avenue. I think the trendiness in the air is killing me. I give Riku a withering look, to which he just smiles more. Is he trying to piss me off, maybe as payback for this morning? Hell, at this point I'm almost less pissed and more scared out of my mind. I am not a prep, I am not a prep, I am not a prep....

* * *

"I'm not a frigging prep, Riku."  
  
"Who said you have to dress preppy?" He holds open the door to Calvin Klein, and I resist the urge to gag. A gentle nudge pushes me into the place, Riku hanging back several paces. Oh, I guess he wouldn't want to be seen with me. "Just go find a CSR... they'll help you find something you like."  
  
So I'm being cut off already, at least to shop. Fine, let him be that way. I head into the men's section, only to notice something after several minutes: every salesclerk I see is veering away from me. Worse, they're heading right over to Riku, flocking around him like a bunch of groupies. It's obvious they know him well, this chattering flock of harpies in expensive chic. It's disgusting, and I just want to get out of here.  
  
"Can I help you?"  
  
I turn, blinking as I find myself face to face with a small brunette girl. Between the longish pixie-cut auburn-black hair and the cheerful, pale blue eyes, I start wondering where she put her fairy wings. She reminds me of Mandy Moore, just barely five feet tall. When she smiles at me, my brain stops working. No, I'm not attracted to her. She's cute, but it's the fact that she's acknowledging me that has me stunned. "Excuse me...?"  
  
She laughs softly, and I can't help taking an instant liking to her despite myself. "Can I help you find something? You look like you're a bit out of your natural element."  
  
I pluck helplessly at my sleeve. "How can you tell?" I shake my head, hoping I don't start blushing like a moron. "This really isn't my scene, but the guy I'm with is loaded, so I can't go around dressing like I'm going to a Weezer concert."  
  
"Don't worry, we'll find you stuff that's not too preppy. I know how you feel, I just work here. I buy most of my stuff from Hot Topic." She offers me a grin and her hand, and I find myself accepting both easily. "I'm Aelan."  
  
"Sora Albrecht. Aelan... wow, that's a different name...."  
  
"It's Hawaiian... that's where my dad's from. It means flower. And Sora is Japanese, right? 'Sky?'" She grins when I nod. "You don't look Japanese."  
  
I follow her as she leads me through racks of clothes, still hearing the girls yammering around Riku. I almost feel sorry for the guy. Almost. "Might be part, I dunno. My last name's German, though."  
  
"Mr. Whitebridge!"  
  
God, it's the attack of the squealing fangirls again. Aelan and I both turn toward the sound, just in time to see Riku hurry toward us, looking more than a little harried. Aelan ushers us both around the corner into the dressing rooms, avoiding the crowd of brown-nosed clerks.  
  
"Riku, are you okay?"  
  
"Yes, I'm fine. They all went right past you, didn't they, Sora?"  
  
"Yeah. Let's just go, okay? This isn't my thing." I reach for the door to the dressing room, but Aelan stops me.  
  
"Just wait here. I'll set you up with everything you need." She guides me back, sitting me down on a bench. "Don't move, okay?" She takes a moment to sit Riku in the seat beside me before taking off into the store.  
  
Riku smiles at me, pleasant as ever despite the fact that he was nearly mauled by women. "Aelan's the only one who doesn't fawn over me. I trust her."  
  
"... if she brings me anything pink, I'll hurt you both." At that moment, I hear the first chords of "Pretty Woman" on the speakers. Riku quickly bites his lip to keep from laughing. I resist the urge to smack him. "Don't even say it."  
  
He doesn't say a word. He just snickers behind his hand, even when I whap him upside the head.

* * *

An hour later, we leave with our arms loaded down with bags, not a single pink item in the bunch. It's mostly jeans and dark-colored, plain shirts, along with some other simple necessities. I still feel like a complete poser, shifting my bags uneasily as Riku pays the parking attendant. "Riku, please... I need to get some stuff that's more me. Isn't there a Hot Topic around here?"  
  
"A what?"  
  
I drop the bags in Riku's trunk and groan. Of course. Why would he know Hot Topic? "Never mind. If it's okay, can I go online and order some stuff? Right now, I just want to eat." I flop into the car, not really caring where we go as long as the food's decent. Riku gets in and manages to get the car out of the lot without hitting somebody, though I admit it's funny as hell to hear my usually calm "roommate" swear when somebody honks their horn at him and tries to cut him off. Even nice guys drive like maniacs in the Big Apple.  
  
He takes me to the Carnegie Deli. I've been past here a few times, and the smells alone made me walk faster before I cried in frustration. I've always wanted to eat here, but it's a luxury I couldn't afford. But here I am now, digging into a platter of baked short beef ribs while Riku has beef brisket pot roast. To be holding good, hot food in my hands, feeling it in my mouth and in my stomach... people take this kind of thing for granted. I never did, and I still don't, not even when I've had a short run of great meals over the past few days. I could almost like Riku now, just for feeding me. But then he'll get tired of me and toss me out. It's the whims of the rich... their boredom destroys the lives of the little and weak. And what would I have to show for it? I'd like him, get attached, and have my friendship ruined on his terms.  
  
So I'll make sure he never gets the chance.  
  
"Sora?"  
  
I glance up, mask in place, and lick sauce off my lips in lieu of acknowledgement.  
  
"You still don't trust me, do you?"  
  
I'd like to know how he's reading my mind... so I can put a stop to it. I just shrug.  
  
"I'll prove myself to you. Yes, my reasons are a little selfish... I couldn't live with myself if I walked away from someone who needs my help." He takes a bite of potato and chews in silence, finishing it off before going on. In that time, I've taken a deep interest in my black coffee. "At least let me help you find a fresh start."  
  
I've already learned I can't win this argument. Not yet. A bone clatters onto my plate, picked completely clean, and I reach for the next. The sauce is red on my fingers, too dark for blood, but the sight of it still disturbs me oddly. "... you win. I'll stay. It's your sanity."  
  
I expect the world to dissolve when he reaches across the table, touching my hand. His fingers are warm and soft, the hands of a healer. I'm almost disappointed when the nice smells and the warm lighting and the snow that's starting to fall outside again still remain.  
  
And I still feel sick when he smiles at me.  
  
TBC 


	6. Chapter 6

The next day of school proves to be the first signs of just how different my life is. I grunt a goodbye to Riku as I open the car door, stepping out into the dim sunlight. I shoulder my backpack and start up the steps, hearing my "benefactor" pull away, only to falter when I notice all the eyes staring at me. Nearly half of the senior class is loitering outside before the first bell, which means they've all seen me and my ride. Screw them all, I say. Who cares what they're thinking. I stare straight at the doors, ignoring everything else as I pass through the cliques and groups of friends.  
  
"Either that's Sora, or he's got a rich twin brother."  
  
"It's gotta be Sora. Look at his clothes."  
  
"Oh, you mean the rag patrol? So what's with the chauffeured ride, anyway?"  
  
"Maybe the scarecrow got a loaded girlfriend."  
  
I'm twitching now. Don't strangle them, Sora... you'll get yourself expelled. Hopefully someone will read my shirt du jour and get a clue. You'd think "Violent When Provoked... Do Not Approach" would give them some indication of my mood. Then again, the print is really small. Damn.  
  
"Nah, I saw inside the car when he got out. It was a guy driving!"  
  
"Guess the boy likes dick, especially if it's got money!"  
  
The giggles and muffled laughter of my classmates seem far away. My toe catches on the edge of a step, sending me to one knee. If I hadn't caught the railing, I'd be sprawled out on my face. My knee throbs; it's just my luck that I landed on the one not covered by the hole in my jeans. At least I didn't wear my new clothes here, or it'd just add fuel to the fire. Hauling myself back to my feet, I storm inside as fast as I can, ignoring the ache in my knee and the sick feeling in my gut.  
  
I'd sit in the back for every class, but since I got saddled with a last name at the beginning of the alphabet, I'm stuck up front each time, dead center. I can feel their eyes on me, the snarky grins and the whispers of increasingly disgusting suggestions about my orientation. I don't care how much Riku looks like a girl. He's not, and I don't feel a damn thing for him. How could I? There's an empty hole inside me, nestled somewhere inside that sick feeling I can't get rid of. And the thought of what it would mean to have sex with Riku... no. A thousand times no. It just oozes wrong. God, I don't want to think about it anymore. Maybe if I fake a seizure, I can go home and just sleep until the world ends.

* * *

I'm almost glad to see Riku at the end of the day, which passed in a blur of insults tossed behind my back. I flop into the passenger seat, rubbing a hand over my face.  
  
"Rough day?" Riku turns down the radio, muting the sounds of violin and piano. He winces when I pull the door shut with a bang.  
  
"Take me home." I'm not going to cry. I'm not going to get pissed. I'm just going numb inside. It's too bad my stomach won't do the same, filling the inside of the car with a muted, irritated rumble. I shouldn't be surprised, since I lasted all of five minutes in the lunchroom before the gossip chased me into the library. Definitely not enough time to eat. I know we're not going home now.  
  
"What's got you rattled? You can talk to me, really." His voice is gentle and calm as ever. I want to smack him, but I don't have the energy.  
  
"Just forget it, okay? I'm tired, I'm hungry, and I feel like shit." I tilt the seat back, my head lolling to one side as I watch the sidewalks and storefronts fly by for endless minutes. One catches my eye in a bright flare of neon, and I realize I've found a momentary respite from the pain within. "Hey, Riku?" He makes a curious sound, his attention fixed on the street as he pulls into a lot and parks. Watch the lot attendants surround the car with a barbed wire fence and guard dogs, just to protect the rich boy's nice ride. "When we're done eating, there's someplace I wanna go... just to look, really."  
  
"Sure. If you really want, I'll give you money for whatever it is."  
  
God, now I really am a kept man. How disgusting. "I can't pay back loans, you know."  
  
"It's not a loan, it's a Christmas gift."  
  
He smiles, and I finally give in to the urge to get him back for his good humor. Reaching up, I give him a hard flick to the forehead, making him reel back a step and melting his smile into a look of round-mouthed, bug-eyed surprise. It's so comical I almost smirk, not much more than a pulling back of a corner of my mouth and a little snort of what once might've been laughter. I take advantage of his stunned moment to hop out of the car, wrapping my jacket tightly around me to ward off the December wind. Riku follows suit, turning on the car alarm and going to get a ticket from the attendant as I watch the people bustle past. The so-called Christmas spirit seems to have a grain of truth to it: a teenage boy picking up a fallen package and handing it back to the woman who dropped it, an older man helping a young female city worker rehang some strands of lights that the wind blew down. Total strangers showing basic human kindness, and it's still not enough to distract me from the honking horns of cars cut off in traffic, the tossed insults and flipped fingers as the City That Never Sleeps ends up with yet another snarl at a broken stoplight. Light and dark, yin and yang, good and evil....  
  
How poetic. How stereotypical. How pathetic.  
  
I trail after Riku as we duck into a fast food place. Thank god he's not above places like this, or my stomach will eat itself in protest of waiting. Standing in line is bad enough. I'm only grateful that Riku chooses not to talk to me before I'm fed. When we finally get to the counter, the smell is driving me nuts. I end up with a triple-decker cheeseburger with the works, a large order of fries, and the equivalent of a small bucket of soda. Riku orders a salad. A salad, when there's the smell of meat all around us. That confirms it... he's nuts. I'm still chuckling inwardly when we sit down to eat, but I forget about everything except my meal as I tear into the food. Riku grins at me, though my stomach decides he's not worth my attention until it's satisfied. He's barely halfway through his salad by the time I'm done packing the last few bites into my mouth.  
  
"Still hungry?" He spears a grape tomato on his fork without getting squirted in the face, chewing it while he watches me.  
  
I shake my head, swallowing my mouthful and following it up with a long drink of soda. "... thanks."  
  
"Still don't want to talk about it?"  
  
Maybe he'll get the hint from my expression. Then again, he's a psych student, he probably sees that kind of thing all the time. Sure enough, he just keeps giving me that patient, even look. I heave a sigh and sit back, folding my arms across my chest. "Look, the kids at school just piss me off sometimes. What, are you my father now or something?"  
  
Riku smiles. Doesn't this guy ever get rattled? He's not human, he can't be. "It does sound like a father-son talk, huh? No, I'm just a concerned roommate and friend. We're easier to talk to."  
  
"Yeah, well... it's all bullshit. I don't care about the other kids. I just wanna graduate and get a job... maybe save up to go to community college."  
  
"What for?"  
  
"... English literature. Maybe creative writing." Go ahead and laugh at me, tell me artists never get anywhere, that I'll die poor. I've got news for you, Riku... it's nothing new to me.  
  
"I'd love to see some of your work."  
  
That stops me for a moment. "Yeah, sure... you can proofread something, I guess." He'll forget all about it, I'm sure. Easy way out for me. I take note of his almost-finished food and the fact that he's not eating anymore, pushing myself out of my seat. "I'll show you where I wanted to go. If you decide you don't wanna shell out the money, no big deal."  
  
"Anything you want, Sora. Just try to cheer up, okay? It's the holidays."  
  
I swear, he must be on drugs. No human being could be this nice. I'm three steps ahead of him, my sneakers squeaking on the wet floor. "Whatever."

* * *

Right about now, Riku's probably decided not to give me money, considering what I'm inwardly drooling over.  
  
"Sora, this... it's a tattoo parlor...."  
  
"Yeah, so? I pass this place all the time. I've been wanting ink for years. And I've got a fake ID, so it doesn't matter that I'm not eighteen yet."  
  
"But it's permanent...." If he could flail and still look calm, he would be.  
  
"No shit. Like I said, if you don't want to, it's no big deal. Figured you'd say no anyway."  
  
He stands motionless for several minutes before pushing the door open. Okay, that's definitely a shock for me, enough for me to stare at him as I walk past him into the small shop. It's a clean place, the walls covered with airbrushed art and swinging portfolios of potential designs. The artists, male and female, all sport at least half a dozen tattoos, but most have more. Riku cringes at the sound of Tool pouring through the speakers, making me smirk. He's got to grow some rock ears, or he'll never survive a month with me.  
  
I dig into my backpack as the head artist approaches, a burly guy with full sleeves on both arms. He raises a pierced brow when I hand over my ID and a piece of notebook paper.  
  
"You draw this? It's pretty good."  
  
"Yeah. How much for an armband like that?"  
  
He fiddles with his tongue piercing as he thinks. "Lot of detail, even on a small arm like yours. One-fifty."  
  
Riku nods, though he still looks unsure as he hands over his credit card. Platinum card, of course. "I'm paying. Go for it."  
  
The guy glances down at the card and chokes a little. Great, he recognizes my rich shadow. "Hey, man... if you want one, too... anything you want. Two-fifty max for both of you."  
  
"M-- me...?"  
  
"Afraid of needles, rich boy?"  
  
I flash him my best snarky smirk. We stare each other down for a long time as the guy goes to prep his equipment, me daring Riku to prove his mettle to me, Riku standing firm and unbending, unafraid of my unspoken challenge. Still, he stuns me when he goes to the portfolios to look, flipping through them as if he does this every day. Okay, I think I'm actually going to shut up for now.  
  
They sit us across from each other so we can talk, the head artist working on my scrawny bicep, further dwarfed by his meaty hand. Riku has his shirt hiked up to just under his chest, sitting backward on the chair so the blond girl inking him can apply the transfer to his lower back. The buzz of the needle doesn't bother me, the stinging burn of the outline barely registering on my senses. Even so, it's a release. I'm not about to start cutting myself, but this is a good pain, a productive pain. The endorphins make me feel calm, almost floaty.  
  
"I can't believe I'm doing this...."  
  
"Neither can I. Quit whining, you big baby. It doesn't hurt that bad."  
  
"It's a needle. Lots of needles, actually. Of course it's going to hurt!"  
  
The blond girl grins, cracking her gum as she picks up the loaded tattoo gun. "Oh, it's down at the small of your back, right over the spine. It's gonna hurt a lot, baby."  
  
Riku's eyes nearly bulge out of his head. "Excuse m-- OW!!"  
  
I have to hide my face in the crook of my free arm to muffle my snorts of amusement. I refuse to laugh, even at his expense.

* * *

Riku's still wincing when we get back to his place. I can see the bulge of the gauze pads under his shirt. "I can't believe you convinced me to do that."  
  
"Didn't take much. Shit, you bleed like a stuck pig, you know that?"  
  
He makes a face at me, and I have to choke down another laugh. What the hell's wrong with me? I don't laugh, ever. Must still be giddy from the pain.  
  
"Your face is gonna stick like that."  
  
"Oh, hush. It's time to take these bandages off. I'll help you clean yours up if you help me with mine."  
  
I follow him into the bathroom, where we take care of my ink first. The bandage comes off to reveal a jagged, bramble-like black tangle of a tribal tattoo, wrapping around my bicep. Somehow, it makes my arm look both stronger and more fragile, like if I flex the wrong way, the sharp points will dig in and draw blood. It looks like it should hurt far more than it does, which makes the gentle touch of Riku's fingers feel really weird as he cleans away traces of blood and extra ink under warm, soapy water. The strokes of fingertips that lightly massage ointment over the tender flesh feel... really amazing... no. No. I will not swoon, I will not doze off, no matter how good it feels. I slam the armor back into place, until that touch moves away and Riku presents his back to me.  
  
"... okay, let's see what you got...."  
  
I peel away the bandage, and it feels like the world just got yanked out from under me. Nestled in the hollow of his lower back is the graceful outline of a simple scrollwork heart, done in shades of sky blue. Something about it grabs me by my stomach and drags me to the floor.  
  
"Sora? Are you alright?"  
  
I swallow, choosing to stay sitting on the floor as I go through the motions of cleaning his tattoo. "Y-- yeah... don't have to bend over this way...."  
  
"Oh. You have very gentle hands, did you know that?"  
  
I shake my head, forgetting he can't see me, but I know he can feel my fingers tracing those pale lines. Somehow, I feel like a blind man, touching a Braille character he's felt only once without knowing the meaning of it, but it lingers in the back of his memory.  
  
TBC 


	7. Chapter 7

I suppose you could say life's been settling into something approaching normal over these past two weeks since my little freakout over Riku's tattoo. I've been going to school and putting up with the smartass comments about being some gayboy's gigolo. I know Riku's just this side of flamingly gay, but the guy's decent enough not to try something stupid, like molesting me in my sleep. Hell, I seriously think he doesn't even know he swings that way. But he's got these little hints-- I guess you could call them hints, anyway-- that make it almost painfully obvious. He doesn't have the stereotypical lisp, though his accent comes out when he's riled. I find myself constantly needling him, just to hear it. For some reason, it makes me want to smile, like it's almost endearing.  
  
The guy knows how to dress, too. Even though he picked out half of my current new wardrobe, I still feel like I can't compare to him. He's just got style, the way he carries himself or how he does even the smallest things with this uncanny grace. Two days ago, we were sitting at the breakfast table. I was watching the small TV Riku kept on the far end of the table so he could see the news, though I had it tuned to the usual Saturday morning cartoons this time. He was reading the paper and drinking his mocha latte, and I kept finding myself glancing over at him every time he sipped from his favorite glass coffee mug. He'd brushed his hair before he'd even come out of his room, so it was as immaculate as he always seemed to be at any time of day. One lock hung down his cheek, the sun coming through the blinds tinting the silver with a honey-gold gleam, and I couldn't look away until he noticed me staring. He didn't give me any weird looks or say anything. He just smiled, and that's when I shook myself out of my daze and fixated on the TV. Even now, I can't figure out why I was staring. I live with the guy and I see him every day, but I keep watching him when I get the chance.  
  
But more than anything, he's amazingly sensitive and caring. I had two other seizures about a week ago, one right after the other. I begged Riku not to take me to the hospital, even though I knew I should go. He did take me, but he brought me home after twenty-four hours, since he and the doctors knew there really wasn't anything they could do for me. All they did was increase my medication and restrict me to the apartment for two days to make sure I rested. I was just so tired and frustrated, I almost cried when we got home. At least I stopped myself from shedding a single tear, but I collapsed on the couch and just shook for a good fifteen minutes. I almost didn't realize Riku was hugging me. It was one of those unsure hugs, the kind you give to somebody you want to comfort, but you're expecting them to explode at you any second. I just didn't want to explode then. It felt too good to be held, as long as I didn't think too much about it. I started to, once, and my shaking got worse and I felt absolutely sick.  
  
The sad thing is, I know why. Once I think about him holding me, I think about being held like that whenever I needed or wanted it. Then reality kicks in, and I remember why it's not safe for me to be held, to let my guard down. I'm being ground between two huge stones, one my fear of being hurt, and the other my fear of being alone.  
  
Just thinking about it makes my chest feel tight, the way it does right before I have a seizure. I take a few slow, deep breaths, choking down the well of dull pain that's become my constant companion, and damn near jump out of my skin when I feel a hand on my shoulder. When did Riku get home?  
  
"You were thinking so hard, I was afraid I'd see smoke." He offers a tired smile and laughs when I stick out my tongue at him.  
  
"I know better than to smoke in here. How was class?"  
  
Riku sits beside me on the couch, shrugging. "It's nice when you can disagree with a professor and be right, but when they just nod their heads and agree with whatever you say because of who you are, it's disheartening. But at least I'm honestly working to the best of my ability, and that's all that matters to me."  
  
"Least I don't have to worry about walking weird when somebody sticks their nose up my ass. Never happens." I get up, stretching, and make a face when my stomach growls. Geez, start feeding it regularly and it gets all pushy on you.  
  
"How about Italian tonight? Nothing fancy, just good food." He sneezes once, quietly, and pulls out a tissue from his pocket to blow his nose in almost complete silence.  
  
Great, another meal out that I'll feel I owe him for. Not that I want to spend time cooking when I'm hungry as hell. "Sure, why not. Guess I should change, though."  
  
Riku looks down at my shirt of the day: "You all suck because you're all the same." The look on his face is priceless; he's clearly wondering just how many of these I own. "Um... that might be a good idea...."  
  
I'm not surprised at that. Kinda shocked that I don't feel like arguing with him, though. I go and change my shirt for something that's plain black. I have to admit, my new clothes aren't so bad. But I can't let myself get used to it. I can't be Riku's pet forever. It's not like I'll be around long enough for him to get attached, I hope. I look at myself in the mirror in "my" room, turning to the side and pressing a hand to my stomach, to mold the shirt against what body I have.  
  
I want to cry.  
  
I can tune out the sight of myself naked or half-dressed, because I know that I'm the only one seeing it. But this... this is what everybody else sees, what Riku sees, and there's no hiding what I am: a walking corpse, a dying child. The urge to put my fist into the mirror is overwhelming, but it will only bring Riku running, wanting to know why I did it, and I'm not ready for those walls to come down yet. God knows I hope for death before I let them down. Besides, I could break every mirror in the world, and it wouldn't change a thing, especially not the hate I feel for my own body.  
  
I'll never understand where I get the strength to hold my neutral expression in place, but I do. Riku never suspects a thing when I come out of my room, going to get my windbreaker out of the closet. He grabs his own coat without a word, but he's smiling when he leads me out of the penthouse and into the elevator.

* * *

Once again, Riku's picked out a great little place, and I get reacquainted with my love of garlic. We both order pasta with grilled chicken... mine is bowties and alfredo sauce, Riku has angel hair in an asiago cream sauce. They even bring us some kind of sparkling white cider, since we can't drink wine. Riku eats with the same delicacy he uses in everything he does; I just shovel it in to quiet my thundering stomach. Still, between bites I manage to glance at his face. He looks absolutely exhausted, and I wonder how I could've missed it before. There's dark circles under his eyes, faint but noticeable in the candlelight, and he just looks a lot less upbeat than usual.  
  
"Are you okay?"  
  
He starts, clearly not expecting me to talk when there's food around. Yeah, he's definitely not at a hundred percent. "Huh? Oh... I'm fine, really."  
  
I stab my fork into a piece of chicken and pop it in my mouth, talking as I chew just to irk him. He doesn't even notice my lapse in manners. Okay, strike my previous observation... he's not anywhere near a hundred percent. He's somewhere in the negatives. "Bullshit. You look like lukewarm hell."  
  
"It's just a sniffle, really. Nothing to fret over." Then he grabs for another tissue as he sneezes again.  
  
"Yeah, right. That's a cold, trust me."  
  
"It is not." Another sneeze, and now his eyes are watering a little from it. Nice try, Riku.  
  
And the argument ends there, at least until we're on our way home with leftovers. Then I needle him some more, and he vehemently denies any illness between increasingly bad sneezing fits. How he held it back when we were in the apartment, I'll never know. I guess going out in the cold to walk to the restaurant did him in. I put the food in the fridge and nudge him into his room, ignoring his protests that it's certainly not a cold.  
  
The next morning, we find out he's right. He's got the flu.  
  
I'm still amazed at how dignified Riku can be when he's still in pajamas, his hair tousled and his eyes watering, his nose red and his voice croaky from congestion. He sounds terrible, his accent muddled and almost funny to hear when he protests having to call out sick from his classes. I'm surprised I don't mind when I find myself calling out of my own classes so I can keep an eye on him. The only time I end up leaving the apartment is around lunchtime, when I go out to pick up medicine and two big containers of Teresa's chicken and egg noodle soup. She'll spoil him, I just know it. But Riku definitely appreciates it, especially after he tries his first taste of that soup.  
  
Most of the day, Riku is asleep, finally giving in to the fatigue I know he's been feeling. He passes out on the couch while we're watching TV, hugging his pillow as he lays half on his side, half on his stomach. I can't help thinking about him while he sleeps, how he's got a good heart and a nice personality, the kind of guy every girl wants to bring home to meet her parents. He deserves solid friends and a great relationship, not some screwed-up roommate who looks like a strong breeze will blow him apart. I feel like the only blemish in this whole pristine place, which is why I dug my heels in about moving in here, and just the thought of it depresses me.  
  
Damn you, Riku. I could always block it out before you showed up. All I had to do was struggle through life, pretending I was preparing for a future I'll never have, and keep everybody on the outside. And you had to go and fuck it up. You make me think about everything I can't do, the things I'll never get to see or experience, and it makes me hate whoever chose to put me on this earth.  
  
And then I look at you, sleeping there, and I just want you to feel better. Only one of us should be sick in a world that's going right, and it's not you.  
  
I don't even have the heart to wake Riku up when it's time for me to go to bed. I end up curling on the floor beside the couch, listening to him breathe and sometimes cough. I barely sleep, because I'm waiting for each and every breath like I'm afraid he won't take the next one. By the time morning rolls around, I know I'm missing school again. Riku still looks like hell, and he looks almost delirious from the fever. I can't leave him, but I'm also afraid to call a doctor. There's my paralyzing fear of doctors and hospitals again. So I ply him with liquids to keep him from dehydrating, then get some soft foods in him later in the afternoon, when I think he can handle it. Still, I'm surprised when he starts to look better by that evening, definitely well enough to sit up, bundled in blankets, and talk while we share dinner.  
  
"You look a lot better."  
  
Riku coughs and smiles, sipping at his mug of soup. "I feel a little better. Thankfully, these things never keep me down for long, but it'll take me a week or so to get back up to speed."  
  
"For the flu, that's pretty good. You're lucky."  
  
"I've always healed fast. Guess it's just good genes." He sets down the mug and pulls the blankets closer. "If I'm feeling up to it on Saturday, I need to go Christmas shopping. So I certainly hope I'm not all muddled when the weekend rolls around. Oh, that reminds me...."  
  
I'm finding I don't quite like the little grin he's suddenly wearing, the one that says he's about to drop some kind of bombshell on me that he thinks I'll like. I'm not too happy at the mention of Christmas shopping, since I won't be doing any such thing, broke as I am. "Uh oh. Should I be worried?"  
  
"There's a big party on the twenty-third... it's a Christmas party thrown by my father." Riku rolls his eyes. "Of course, he won't be there, but it's so his American business representatives can rub elbows with potential investors. Dreadfully boring affair, but the food is excellent and there's a live band...."  
  
Oh shit. I know where this is going. "... it's black tie, isn't it?"  
  
Riku nods, sending my heart squashing my stomach down into my feet. "I'd be so very glad if you'd accompany me. At least then, you won't be stuck in here alone, and I'll have someone to talk to. I know it sounds selfish, but I'll owe you one, really."  
  
I open my mouth to protest, ready to point out my lack of refinement, my intense distaste for the wealthy, and my hatred of those ridiculous penguin suits I know we'll have to wear. It must be that Riku's eyes look even more pitiful when he's sick, or I'm feeling way too guilty over mooching off him, but I find myself snapping my mouth shut again to nod once in silence. Riku looks thrilled, enough for me to hold up both hands in a warding gesture.  
  
"You hug me and I'll drown you in your soup."  
  
Riku laughs until he chokes, and I slap him on the back to clear his throat.  
  
"Idiot."  
  
... I really wish he'd stop smiling at me. I'm starting to like it too much.  
  
TBC 


	8. Chapter 8

Saturday finally rolls around, and for once I find myself at a loss for what to do. I actually have time off, now that I don't have to work as much. It irks me, because I feel even more like a moocher now. But Teresa cut back my hours so I'll have weekends off, claiming it was for my health. Okay, I know I've been running myself ragged, but it's not like I have anything to do when I'm not working or in school. So I sleep in, curled up in the dark, warm, quiet shell of my borrowed room and the comfortable bed, nodding off again after I slap the alarm clock off at eight in the morning.  
  
For once, I dream clearly.  
  
Riku looks terrible in yellow, but that's not what strikes me the most. It's the gleam in his eyes... cunning, cocky, almost arrogant. He's a few years younger, but his body is powerful and graceful as he straightens, gripping the hilt of his wooden sword. He smirks at me before he lunges, lashing out with his weapon. I barely block it with my own, the hollow clack of wood on wood ringing in my ears. He slides away and snaps out again, and this time pain blooms in my shoulder, then my ribs. My sword swings in response as I clutch my wounded side, scoring only a few light hits between all the attacks that he blocks.  
  
"You still don't got it." He's taunting me now, and it's so unlike Riku... but at the same time, it feels familiar. All of this feels familiar. I know if I don't take the opening his taunt provides, I'm done for. I launch myself at him, foregoing hard strikes for a flurry of short, sharp blows that I stab at his legs. He yelps when I manage a few strikes at his knees, leaving him tumbling backwards into the sand and sea grasses. I fly in for the kill, both feet leaving the ground as I go for a jumping hit, but I'm not the only one with the idea for a jumping attack. The last thing I see is a blur of yellow and silver, before I feel the impact of a pair of feet slamming into my chest. I feel like I've been shot out of a cannon, tumbling through the air and going right over the edge of the island. The impact with the water knocks the breath from my lungs, my face turned up to the sun shining down through the brine and the bubbles above me. It's so bright....  
  
I find myself on the floor next to the bed, my tank top scrunched up under my arms, my body tangled in the sheets. A little light finds its way through the vertical blinds, falling across my face in a bright slash. I throw an arm across my face, blinded. When I roll over, further wrapping myself in the sheets just to get away from the sun, I can't see anything but afterimages for several moments. Riku should be running in any second now to find out the source of the solid thump that came from my room.  
  
... okay, no Riku. Then it hits me: when I was rolling over to go back to sleep, Riku was on his way out to do Christmas shopping. So there's no one here to see Sora the Human Burrito. Growling in irritation, I squirm and kick and wriggle until I've worked my way out of the blankets, then stand up to straighten out my rumpled clothes. One look at the clock tells me that I was asleep for a total of almost eleven hours. Taking care of a sick Riku for a few days really wore me out, though he was hardly any trouble at all. I guess it's just emotionally draining to take care of somebody when you just feel obligated.  
  
I head into the bathroom, opting for a long, warm shower with the massager on full blast. The pulses of water pound the soreness out of my back, shoulders, and scalp, soaking my spiny hair and plastering it to me. I must look like a titless girl, with my hair hanging to my shoulders. How it ends up sticking out all over when it's this long, I'll never know. I should get it cut, but I can't afford it and I'm not asking Riku. Then again, since I'm stuck going to this party, Riku will probably make me get my hair cut so I don't look like a bum. I haven't had short hair in ages. I wonder how I'll be able to conceal the hollows of my face if I don't have any hair to hide behind.  
  
Depressing body images aside, my stomach is making itself known again. I turn off the water and snag a towel, drying off before crossing back to my borrowed room. My hair is already starting to pop back up a little just from being towel-dried. I dress in boxers and jeans and a t-shirt that reads "I'm ugly on the inside, too." Riku will love this one. Now it's to the kitchen for lunch, since it's after noon. I make myself a ham and swiss on rye with mustard and lettuce, grab a bag of chips and a can of soda, and retreat to the living room to eat in front of the TV. I missed all of my cartoons, damn it. At least the all-cartoon channel is having a Looney Tunes marathon, giving me the opportunity to rot my brain a little with a some quality animated mayhem.  
  
Lunch is long gone and I'm dozing off in front of the TV when Riku comes back, two big shopping bags clutched in each hand. I shake myself out of my daze and sit up, grunting a greeting before Riku even says hello. It takes me a minute to realize why his smile is a little brighter than usual. This is the only time I've ever really greeted him first. God, what a moron, to be happy over something like that. Of course, I'm not much better for indulging him, first with allowing myself to be conned into moving in, then with new wardrobe, followed by taking care of his sorry flu-ridden ass and agreeing to go to this party. Now is about the time I should be kicking myself.  
  
"Did you eat?" Riku's voice carries down the hall as he goes into his room, probably to hide everything in the closet. "If not, you can eat before we go out, or we can grab something on the way."  
  
"Nah, I'm fine. I got lunch already." I get out of the recliner and stretch, cracking my back as Riku returns. I notice the despairing look he gives my shirt, and I feel this weird twinge that might be something other than smug satisfaction. "You know, you could've woken me up so you didn't have to run back here."  
  
"And let you see your presents early?" Riku smiles and wags a teasing finger at me. I roll my eyes. "Sorry, you have to wait until Christmas morning."  
  
I can't resist. I clasp my hands in front of my chest, letting my eyes go wide and my voice go high and squeaky as I bounce on the balls of my feet. "Aw, but I wanna see them now, Mommy!" Somebody shoot me, please.  
  
Riku gapes at me for a second before bursting into laughter. I settle back onto my feet, watching him crack up so hard that tears run down his cheeks. Thankfully, he's doubled over, arms wrapped around his stomach, so he misses the way one corner of my mouth pulls back further than one of my rare smirks. I quickly get it under control, a little worried about my lapse. What is wrong with me? I did that without even thinking. Even the little kid act felt so natural. I must finally be snapping. I force a neutral face as Riku hoots a little, wiping his eyes on his sleeve as he straightens.  
  
"You're a bit off your chump, there!"  
  
"... excuse me?" There goes the Brit in him again.  
  
"Sorry." He grins at me. "Not quite sane, are we?"  
  
"Never claimed to be. Alright, let's go stuff me in a penguin suit. Hell, there should be enough room in there for you, too."  
  
Riku blushes. I give myself a mental kick. That did not sound good at all.

* * *

The quest for formalwear is even worse than our trip to Calvin Klein. The moment we walk into the store, a flock of oily salesmen descend upon us, fawning over Riku until his smile turns forced. He nods politely, making a grand gesture that's completely out of character for him, just to get us both some air. The horde backs off, practically bowing.  
  
"Mr. Albrecht and I are going to represent my father at his banquet, and we must have suitable attire. Only the best for us, of course."  
  
"Of course, Mr. Whitebridge," one of the salesmen purrs. "As always, we'll ensure you're nothing less than perfect." He gestures us toward the back, the rest of the suited men following us like Secret Service.  
  
"There's one small matter I wish to address, though. I insist that Mr. Albrecht and I match, at least in style. Accent color is flexible, of course."  
  
I almost stop dead in my tracks. We have to match? Why does that feel somewhat creepy to me, like I'm just Riku's shadow? I fire a shocked look at Riku, but it's too late. Half of the pack is dragging me away to be measured and evaluated. Riku takes his measurements all in stride, giving me a comforting look over the shoulders of the men around him. It does nothing for me. Whenever one of my tailors meets my eyes, giving me the slightly disgusted look I've come to expect from the upper classes, I haze out of reality. I hope I have a seizure and fall onto the guy measuring my inseams. It doesn't get any better when they bring out the tuxes, vests, and shirts; Riku must've picked out styles earlier. I'm practically dressed by them, like a child, so they can tailor the clothes. I refuse to look at myself in the mirror, but I glance over at Riku.  
  
He looks stunning.  
  
The tux is a very modern style, with a Mandarin collar. The white shirt also has a similar collar, and his vest has a subtle shimmery pattern woven into the platinum fabric. From when they brought the clothes out, I can tell that what I'm wearing is identical save for the vest, which is a deep burgundy. At least it's mostly dark colors, which will make it easier to blend into the crowd. I'm grateful for the speed of the tailors, who allow me to undress and put on my own clothes so they can do the alterations. The only tux they had close to my size range was still far too big for my bony frame.  
  
"These should be done for you tonight, Mr. Whitebridge." The head tailor doesn't look at all put off by the rush job, since he'll probably get overpaid for it bigtime. Riku, however, does look irritated with himself for getting sick at such a bad time.  
  
"It's quite alright. I appreciate your patience, this week has been very hectic."  
  
"Oh, it's no trouble. Have a splendid day, and we'll see you later this evening." The tailor even offers me some of his too-bright smile. What a brown-noser. I smile back, more a baring of teeth that makes my face look even more sunken. Bingo. The guy's smile falters as we turn to go.  
  
The moment we're out the door, I turn to Riku. "What's with the matching, anyway? Am I your doll now?"  
  
Riku shakes his head. "If we match, it will make a statement."  
  
"What? 'Rich boy's little plaything?'"  
  
He frowns at that. "No. This way, it will be obvious that we're together."  
  
"What??"  
  
"Not like that!" Riku's cheeks color ever so slightly at that. "I mean, no one will bother you if they know you're my guest. Even if we get... separated... at the party."  
  
"If you leave me alone with those corporate sharks...."  
  
"You'll have to follow me around, then. I have no choice, I have to mingle with the clients and investors." Riku looks mildly disgusted at the idea. "I had to do it last year, and apparently I made such a good impression, my father expects it every year now."  
  
"You look like you hate it." My voice is softer than I intended it to be.  
  
"I do."  
  
"But you were born into this life. You'd think you'd be used to it by now." I kick a stray soda can, watching it skitter across the sidewalk, coming to a stop against a trash bin. We keep walking in silence for a few minutes, listening to the wet crunch of dirty slush under our feet. This snow feels like it will never melt, more falling every couple of days to replace what's been reduced to water under boots or tires. I cringe inside; something about this feels wrong, even moreso than the wrong feeling I have about life in general. Maybe it's the next ice age.  
  
Riku sighs, startling me out of my thoughts. "Every day, I'm reminded of what my father's money has done to him. He was born into wealth, taught from day one that the world was his if he just grabbed it. He tried to grab Mum, too, but she wasn't having any of it. He tried for years, and I think because she held out... she didn't fall for his money or his false charms... he changed his tactics." He blinks quickly, though whether against the biting wind or tears stinging his eyes I couldn't be sure. His accent is thicker now, the words sounding much more British. "He actually courted her, and he meant it. She told me when I was little that Dad was a romantic at heart, and that's why she married him. He finally got what he really wanted, and all it took was honest kindness and compassion."  
  
I squirm inside at all this open admission, avoiding Riku's face by focusing on the slushy sidewalk and the crowd around us. Riku doesn't even seem to care that we're surrounded by shoppers and tourists. I don't know if I really want to hear this. I'm not equipped to handle my own pain, much less someone else's.  
  
"When Mum died, Dad threw himself into his work, and I seemed to do nothing but remind him of what he lost. Where there was once fatherly love and pride, there was distance at best. I worked hard before, but after that I threw myself into being the best, trying to make him proud again. But nothing helped. I... I can't even remember the last time I saw him smile. I really think...." He trails off with another sigh, not quite steady this time.  
  
"You think that's why he shipped you off to school in the States instead of somewhere in Britain."  
  
"To get me out of his sight, yes. Even with my coloring, I still remind him too much of her."  
  
If I was anyone else, I'd say what I'm feeling is a twinge of pity. "Guess neither of us has much of a family. Mine figured it wasn't even worth taking care of a sick kid."  
  
"Your parents...?"  
  
"Dead. Wasn't them that tossed me out, though. It was an aunt and uncle or something. Don't know, don't care. I just know that I'm not wanted anywhere." I shrug, still avoiding Riku's eyes. Only when I feel a gentle hand on my shoulder do I look up. He's not smiling, but his expression is more gentle and sad than I've ever seen it before.  
  
"Yes, you are."  
  
I'm afraid if I open my mouth, I'll say something nasty or cold. So I stay silent, not even shrugging off Riku's hand. He moves it of his own accord eventually, stroking my hair once before lowering his arm. It doesn't feel that bad, really.

* * *

The next few days fly, leaving Riku buried in preparations. He spends most of Monday on the phone, fixing every little snag that comes up, from caterers all the way down to the last flower arrangement. His only break is late on Monday, when his gift from his father arrives: a new black baby grand piano, taking up the big empty corner near the glass sliding doors out to the terrace. It's nice to see him taking a half hour to relax and play, and I can't help listening. He really is talented, with those long, graceful fingers. But the more I hear about this party, the more I'm terrified about going to it. It seems like no time passes at all before the twenty-third rolls around and Riku's nudging me into the bathroom to wash up, saying my hair needs to be wet for what he wants to do. Oh god, I'm afraid. I take my time in the shower, until Riku's knocking on the door and laughing at me to hurry up. I emerge with a towel wrapped around me, my hair still dripping wet as Riku instructed. He sits me at the dressing area vanity, letting me watch in the mirror as he applies a few creams and lotions to my hair. Then he starts brushing and blowdrying it, and I'm shocked when my hair doesn't pop into its usual spiny mass. No, it hangs around my face and shoulders in a smooth, silky mass, straight as an arrow. It even looks glossier, the slight reddish highlights deeper and brighter. If not for my face, I'd never recognize myself.  
  
"Okay, don't freak, but this is the only thing I could think of to help your color a little...."  
  
He starts putting makeup on me next. Oh no. Oh hell no. I get out a single syllable of protest before he shushes me, just applying a little concealer under my eyes and in the hollows of my face. I have to admit, it does soften the dark, sunken places, giving me a slightly more healthy look. But I still sulk, feeling like a girl for wearing the stuff.  
  
"Now you can go get dressed. We'll be leaving in about twenty minutes."  
  
I go into my room to put on my clothes for the evening. First boxers and undershirt, then the pieces of the tux. The tailors did a great job of fitting it to me without accentuating how skinny I am. I almost look respectable. Sighing, knowing there's no way out of this night now, I go into the living room to wait. When Riku comes out, I can't help staring. He looks even more amazing than he did when he tried the tux on, now that it's tailored to him. The subtle wave of his hair is straightened, like mine, feathering slightly around his face in an almost feminine way. I get off the couch, unable to stop myself from nodding in admiration, which earns me a shy smile.  
  
"You look... really nice."  
  
"So do you." Riku hands me a formal black outer coat that he must've gotten when he picked up the tuxes. I slip into it; it's warm and heavy and comforting. He pulls on his own coat and offers me his arm, like I'm his prom date. I roll my eyes at him, smirking just slightly, and figure what the hell. So I take his arm as he leads me down the hall to the elevator, letting go only when we're inside so nobody sees us and makes comments. We ride down to the parking garage in comfortable silence; he keeps looking over at me to make sure that I haven't bolted in terror. There's no one else in that level of the garage, our footsteps echoing off the concrete and steel. The Lexus encases us like a dark shell, barely even humming around us as the CD player starts up the Annie Lennox disc Riku must've been listening to the other day. Annie's one of the few mellow singers I actually like, so I can't help singing along very quietly as we head out.  
  
"You have a beautiful voice, Sora."  
  
I shrug, trailing off in embarrassment. "Yeah, well... Walking On Broken Glass is a good song. Can't help singing it."  
  
"When we get home, I'll play the piano for you, if you like."  
  
"Sure... that'd be cool."  
  
"I meant... will you sing for me? While I play?"  
  
"Uh...."  
  
"Please?"  
  
"... yeah, sure. I guess."  
  
He leaves it at that, driving the rest of the way to the banquet hall with this little smile on his face. When we pull up to the valet, I'm feeling a little ill. This place is huge, and there's so many people going in, all dressed in tuxes and gowns that have to be worth a couple grand apiece, not to mention all the jewelry.  
  
"Riku, I really think this is a bad idea...."  
  
"Trust me. You'll be fine, just be polite and only talk as much as you're comfortable with."  
  
He leads me inside, nodding to the attendants who take our coats. Then it's into the main hall with its inlaid floors and grand staircases leading down from the entrance area double doors to where the dance floor and tables are. As soon as the people closest to the stairs see Riku, they start applauding, and the sound and attention spread like a wave through the entire gathering. All eyes are on him, appreciation clear in the crowd. They really do like him, even if it's just for business; that much is clear in the genuine smiles I see on most of their faces. Riku flashes a bright but nervous smile as he descends the stairs with me at his side, stepping right into a parted group of men in classic tuxedoes who start shaking hands with him and slapping him on the back depending on their idea of a formal greeting. I stand off to the side, silent, until Riku clears his throat quietly.  
  
"Gentlemen, this is my friend and new personal assistant, Sora Albrecht."  
  
Personal assistant? When did that happen?  
  
Now all eyes in the smaller group are on me, and I'm surprised that most of them look at least pleasant enough. I offer my hand to each of them in turn as Riku introduces me, as if I'll remember any of them. "It's nice to meet all of you. It... seems Riku is well-liked amongst everyone here."  
  
One of the men, whom I remember is Mr. MacIntyre, nods. "Some of us actually find him a pleasure to deal with. He's got his father's head for business, and is more than fair."  
  
"He certainly didn't get Sinclair's cutthroat persona!" the one called Mason laughs. "I don't sweat quite so badly when it's Riku on the phone and not his father!"  
  
"I admit, my father can be quite ruthless. But he certainly gets things done right the first time." Riku seems a little more relaxed around these people, like he's known them for many years.  
  
"You should consider yourself lucky that you don't work for Sinclair Whitebridge instead of his son, Mr. Albrecht," MacIntyre chuckles. "He's gone through several personal assistants in the past three years."  
  
"Then I do indeed consider myself fortunate. Riku has been quite... generous to me." My stomach rumbles faintly, due to nerves and the inability to eat earlier out of anxiety. Thankfully, no one hears it except Riku, who nods to the older men.  
  
"Gentlemen, if you'll excuse us, we were quite busy earlier today with preparations, and I'm afraid we're famished. If you don't mind, we'll return once we've had a spot of dinner." Riku herds me away, followed by a chorus of friendly farewells. "They're good people, at least. I've known most of that group since I was little... they travel between London and New York constantly to make sure everything's running smoothly on both sides."  
  
"I hope everybody's that nice, then."  
  
"Well, there's some right bastards in this room, I'll tell you that. In fact, I have to charm a couple of them tonight to get them to invest. A year ago, they were trying to claim a patent on something Dad's company did first. Big legal hoopla, and the resolution wasn't pleasant."  
  
We pause at our table to put in our orders for dinner-- both of us go for the prime rib-- then make our way over to the hors d'oeuvre table. The spread of cheeses and crackers, fruits and vegetables, and all kinds of little hot and cold sandwiches makes me want to drool. I load up a small plate, nibbling gladly since it gives my brain a chance to think about something other than all these people. Riku turns to me, about to offer me a little puff pastry, when it happens.  
  
A girl snags him by the arm.  
  
Riku looks positively embarrassed. I flash an annoyed grimace at her. She's beautiful... bright red hair and pale skin with not a freckle in sight, and very striking hazel eyes. The ivory and black dress sheathing her body looks outrageously expensive and yet understated, making up for the diamond necklace dripping from her throat.  
  
"It's been a very long time, Riku! How've you been... is school going well?"  
  
"Yes, thank you. It's good to see you, too." Riku blushes more deeply, the girl still clinging lightly to his arm. "Sora, this is Leah Blackburn, daughter of the head of Blackburn Systems, Inc. Leah, this is Sora Albrecht, my friend and assistant."  
  
"How nice to meet you, Sora." She beams and offers her hand to me. "You're so lucky to be working for Riku. He's absolutely darling."  
  
I take her hand and offer a firm handshake, though for some reason the way she's touching Riku is making me feel a little disoriented. "Yeah, he's a good guy. And it's nice to meet you." God, that second part was hard to force out, but I do it without choking or hesitating.  
  
"I hate to be a bother, but would you mind if I borrowed Riku for just a little while? There's something he and I need to discuss."  
  
Great, here it comes. This is where I'm left to fend for myself. I give Riku a look, just enough to let him and not Leah know that I'm not thrilled with this. "If you need to, then I don't mind. Riku, you know where to find me."  
  
"I won't be long, I promise."  
  
With a last apologetic glance at me, Riku wanders off with Leah on his arm, ever the gentleman. I turn back to the hors d'oeuvre table, picking up the pastry Riku was about to offer me. I study it for a moment, taking note of the rich smell of spiced beef before I put the entire small morsel in my mouth, biting down almost viciously on it. I feel like such a jealous bitch, without actually being jealous. I have no reason to feel jealous, since I couldn't care one whit if Riku lands a gorgeous girl like Leah. He deserves somebody nice like her, somebody that fits into his world better than I ever could. I'm lucky he even calls me a friend and means it.  
  
But he doesn't come back in a few minutes. He doesn't even return when I'm seated and dinner is served. I glance over and there he is, sitting all the way across the room at Leah's table, right next to her. They're laughing, and she's leaning towards him. From the angle I'm looking at them, I can see her hand on his knee.  
  
There's a faint ringing in my ears, slowly drowning out the sounds of the small orchestra filling the hall with soft music. It gets louder when one of the servers sets Riku's dinner in front of him at her table. My tablemates probably feel sorry for my prime rib, with the way I tear into it with fork and steak knife. I can hear the blood pounding in my head, my vision focused down to the red juices running across my plate from the meat. For as much as I cut it, I barely eat. I can't. My throat is so tight, it feels like I can hardly even breathe.  
  
"Champagne?"  
  
I look up at the voice beside me with narrowed eyes. Apparently, the server thought I was older until he got a good look at me. He's about to turn away when I growl at him under my breath.  
  
"I am Mr. Whitebridge's personal assistant. And yes, I would like some champagne."  
  
My first glass of the night is placed in front of me with all due haste.

* * *

I've lost count of how many hours pass and how many glasses of wine and champagne I've had. All I know is that the room is spinning and I feel almost numb, except for the hot little coal burning away in my chest. The button of my collar is undone and folded open so I don't feel so stifled, but it doesn't help much. She's still giggling at him, Riku being his usual charming self. The sound is so grating to me now, I want to put out my ears with my knife.  
  
An older woman sitting at my table looks over at the happy couple and coos in approval. "Sinclair Whitebridge has been wanting to marry that boy off to Miss Blackburn for ages. They do make such an adorable couple."  
  
A man who must've been her husband nods and smiles. "They do, indeed. Perhaps this year, Sinclair will be in a much better mood after Riku announces his engagement."  
  
A heavy swallow that drains my wineglass catches in my throat for a minute. I pound on my chest, trying to focus in the older couple. "... Riku... he's engaged...?"  
  
The couple looks over at me in surprise. "You didn't know, dear?" the woman clucks. "His father said that once Riku turned eighteen, he and Miss Blackburn would announce it to the entire company. To make it official."  
  
"... no ring...." I sway a little, my words sounding slurred even to my ears. I'm seriously wasted, which would explain the looks of disapproval I see all around me.  
  
"It's just a formality, really. Clearly, those little dears wanted to keep it a secret from everyone, and a ring would just give them away. But naturally, everyone talks, so everyone knows."  
  
... I have nothing left to say at this point. Not to these people, anyway. I get slowly to my feet, my napkin falling off my lap and my empty wineglass clutched in my hand, and weave my way over to the table where Riku and his... fiancee... sit. With his head turned toward Leah, he doesn't see me coming, but she does. Her eyes widen a little, and that makes Riku turn around. His eyes go even more round than hers, despite their slightly Asian shape.  
  
"Sora...?" His voice sounds weak, uncertain.  
  
Now I manage a crooked smile, leaning closer to the two of them. "Congratulations, you two. I'm sure you'll make beautiful babies together."  
  
"Th-- thank you...," Leah says softly, her eyes darting from my face to Riku's and back again. "But...."  
  
I cut her off. This girl has nothing to say that I want to hear. Now is my time to be heard, even though I can barely speak, much less understand what I'm saying. "I guess I'm not gonna be wanted at the wedding and all, though... I mean, no bride wants her husband's former boytoy to ruin her special day."  
  
"Sora...!" Riku doesn't sound so uncertain anymore. My name is hissed, quietly but no less outraged than it should be.  
  
"Nono, it's okay, Riku...." My voice is getting louder, enough to make the people at the surrounding tables stare. I can feel their eyes on me like a thousand little weights, but I don't care. Even the orchestra's stopped now, the silence deafening. Something's broken inside me, and no amount of alcohol is going to stop it. "Guess I did play too hard to get for your tastes. You can still wear white to your wedding... unless you already fucked her when nobody was looking." I slam down my wineglass on the table so hard I snap the stem in my hand, narrowly avoiding slicing my thumb open.  
  
Riku is out of his seat like he's been burned. I've never seen his eyes so fierce, so pale green. I'm waiting for the blow to come, but it doesn't. We just stand toe to toe, every second of friendship we might've shared over the weeks shattered in an instant, and it's all I can do to not fall onto Riku or throw up from all the booze.  
  
"Let's go."  
  
The words are so quiet, I almost miss them. But there's no way I could mistake the purposeful stride that swiftly carries Riku from the hall. I stumble after him, ignoring the shocked murmurs slowly filling the hall behind us. Riku doesn't even get our coats, rushing past the attendants for his car. He doesn't say a word to the valet, waiting in silence until the Lexus pulls up. I walk around to the passenger's side, waiting to see if the lock pops. It does. I get in, sinking into the seat and biting back the groan that wants to well up my throat. Riku snaps off the sound system, leaving us to drive home in complete silence.  
  
There's no words, no playful arm touching, not even a glance as we ride the elevator back up to the penthouse. I take off my tuxedo jacket as Riku shoves the key into the lock, swinging the door open and stepping inside. I follow, pulling the door shut, and turn around to face him.  
  
His fist slams into my face hard enough to send me sprawling back against the door.  
  
I slide down the door to the floor, slumped half-sitting against the cool painted metal. My lip burns from the deep split in it; all I can taste is copper and a slight trace of wine. I poke at my front teeth to see if he knocked anything loose, but everything seems intact, just hurting. I press my fingers to my lip to stop the bleeding, my eyes rolling upward slightly to try focusing on Riku.  
  
His fists are clenched until his knuckles show white, his pale face flushed and his eyes wild. I'm waiting for him to burst into holy flames, beating white wings and raising a burning sword to cleave me in half. I feel calm, considering I'm probably about to die.  
  
"What the bloody HELL were you thinking?! I take you into my home, treat you with nothing but respect, and THIS is how you repay me?! I'm sure word's gotten back to my father by now, and I'll be damned lucky if he doesn't show up on my doorstep with all of hell at his back!" He's so angry he's gasping, barely able to breathe between bouts of screaming. "I told you time and time again, I'm not out to bugger you, you daft FOOL! All I wanted was to be your friend... I thought you UNDERSTOOD that! But NO, you went and got yourself toasted, and you hurt me, you hurt Leah, and you hurt YOURSELF!" He takes a step toward me, casting me into shadow, and I finally cower, trying to melt into the door to get away.  
  
His rage... it hurts. My chest feels tighter and tighter, squeezing me until I can't breathe. This is it, I really am going to die. I can hear screaming in my ears that isn't Riku, a high-pitched, crystalline wail that pushes my consciousness closer and closer to blackout. Riku has me by the shoulders, shaking me. I don't think he realizes what's wrong; he's too far gone to care, as well he should be. I've done exactly what I've sought out to do... I've isolated the only person who ever treated me like a human being.  
  
"Leah... you didn't even ASK me to explain about her! Everyone thinks we're getting married, but we don't WANT to! Sora, Leah is GAY. She has a girlfriend! But my father and her parents want us to get married to break her of the "habit." What's worse, my father gets the added benefit of taking control of Blackburn Systems in the deal! How do you like that, Sora? I'm nothing more than a business opportunity to him, and one of my dearest friends in the world is miserable because she has to hide the one she loves!"  
  
I whimper, blood running down my chin from under my fingers.  
  
Riku lets go of my arms and backs off, staring at me with an unreadable expression.  
  
I push myself up, swallowing back the bitterness rising in my throat. I'm going to be sick. I bolt for the bathroom, getting there just in time to lose what little I ate. I gag so hard I sob, feeling like an eternity passes before I finally stop heaving. I flush, rinse out my mouth, and slip into the room that almost started to feel like mine. I find my old jeans and a plain black sweatshirt, changing into them and leaving the expensive clothes crumpled on the floor. My old sneakers feel strange, but I shove my feet into them anyway. I kept these things because I knew this day would come, and it's time to make things right again.  
  
Riku's sitting at the piano when I emerge from my room with my old windbreaker over my arm. His jacket is on the couch nearby, the first couple of buttons on his shirt undone. He's just staring at the keys, unmoving.  
  
"For what it's worth... I'm glad you finally came to your senses. If you're lucky, you'll never even think about me ever again."  
  
God, why do I feel like I want to cry?  
  
"Goodbye, Riku."  
  
Why am I crying?  
  
I flee the penthouse. I flee the answers to his unspoken questions. I flee the answers to my own.  
  
But hardest of all, the part that breaks my heart....  
  
I flee the single low note that sounds from the piano, and the quiet sob that echoes with it.  
  
TBC 


	9. Chapter 9

I can't sleep.  
  
My head... hurts from crying.  
  
I don't know how long I've been sitting here... or how long it's been since I've even shifted my weight. I'm just staring ahead with no focus, forehead propped in my hands, elbows aching from resting on the lid of the piano keys for who knows how long.  
  
It's my fault he's gone.  
  
Sora wanted me to drive him away, and he did everything in his power to make it happen. I know this. The signs were all there, and no amount of kindness I could ever show him would stop that urge to escape. It frightens me, knowing I could feel his pain as if it was my own. Maybe my need to help him was just some selfish desire to soothe my own suffering, giving another person the comfort I'd lost with mum's death. If that's all it was, what right do I have to chase him, to force help he doesn't want? Sora is a wounded animal, pierced to the core by all the arrows and spears that his life cast at him, lashing out in fright because fear is all he's ever known.  
  
I finally slide off the piano bench, moving about the apartment in a daze. Everything feels unreal, the rooms quiet and diminished somehow by Sora's absence. Without his biting personality and his blaring, angry music, my home-- our home-- is empty. A fresh wave of tears sting my eyes as I go to make tea, needing something to settle my unhappy stomach. I notice a paper on the counter as I set the kettle on the stove... a homework paper with Sora's name scrawled at the top, along with a big red A on it. It takes me a minute to realize that it's one of the poems I wanted to read so badly, the ones he kept wavering about showing to me. I fill my infuser with loose Earl Grey and set it in the teacup, glancing over the shaky writing.  
  
"... and where shall I go when the light  
Has faded into some nameless dusk?  
Home, forward to the place that comforts me  
Take comfort in the darkness  
Solace in the arms of night  
For in the dark, find memory of dawn  
All the sweeter for the coming  
Of evening, silent and still  
Light not a candle in the eve,  
For you shall find the sun  
More brilliant for it.  
Fear not the dark, mourn not  
The loss of day, be sweet  
As lovers, hand in hand."  
  
The world feels like it's fallen even further away now. How could someone so cold, so cynical, feel this deeply?  
  
It's simple. He's none of those things. Sora's walls have slipped time and again, in half-smiles he can quickly stifle and pretend never happened, but here is concrete proof that nothing inside him has died. There is no lack of hope, only a blindness that keeps him from recognizing it in himself.  
  
God, how can anyone survive feeling this way? If my heart ached for him before, now the pain is all but crippling. I haven't gone after him when I should have, and now he surely believes that I hate him. If I don't find him, he'll die out there in the cold, bitter and lonely. I can almost feel the chill myself, gooseflesh prickling along my arms and legs.  
  
Why am I still standing here?  
  
The kettle is just starting to whistle, faltering and fading as I turn off the heat. I race from the kitchen, barely remembering to grab my coat on the way out.  
  
It's only been a few hours. He'll be alright... even if I don't know which way he went, I will find him.

* * *

After the first hour, my fingers and toes were numb. The second hour, everything was numb. Now I've gone somewhere beyond not feeling, deeper than utter emptiness, and this is how I've been waiting for the end. I'm sitting in the snow in an alley, my jeans soaked through, and wondering why I'm still alive. I must have frostbite by now. I close my eyes, listening to the hiss of cars cruising along slushy streets, and dream.  
  
Riku, standing in the waves.  
  
Riku, standing in shadow.  
  
Riku, standing between me and utter darkness, his body luminescent and translucent, his arms shielding me from all harm.  
  
I couldn't take his hand then. I couldn't save him then.  
  
How could I let him save me now?  
  
I press my hands to my face, feeling the grime on them, the road grit embedded in my skin. I'd slipped as I ran down the street, scattering the few late night pedestrians in my way. My palms sting, but I don't care. It's been so long since the last time, long enough that the first sob hurts. It wrenches from my chest, constricts my throat, bubbling up in a wellspring of heartache. Everything I'd wanted to do, everything that should've given me my escape and granted me the melancholy security I believed I needed... it was done, and I hate myself for it. There is no escaping that. I can't ever take it back. I only wish my body would stop torturing me and just die already. I've always believed I'd just wink out of existence, my consciousness snuffed like a candle. Fuck the afterlife. If living is this painful, who needs eternity to remind them of every mistake? I curl tightly into myself, hugging my legs so I can bawl pitifully against my thighs.  
  
"Please... if anybody's l-- listening... if a-- anybody c-- cares... just... make it s-- stop...."  
  
The wind howls down the alley, blowing my hair into my face. It sounds like it's laughing. I can't listen anymore. I reach out with one hand, groping blindly through the snow, until I feel a dull ache in my fingertip. I look out the corner of my eye, seeing my blood staining the dirty drifts. I've sliced myself open on a piece of broken glass, a thin ribbon of red outlining the sharp edge. It's fascinating, really. Sniffling, I gingerly pick up the shard, uncurling my other arm. The underside of my arm is so pale, so fragile... it will barely take any pressure at all....  
  
Something smacks my hand so hard, the glass breaks in my grip. Somehow, I'm not cut further by the flying fragments.  
  
But Riku is. He rips the remaining piece from my fingers, throwing it aside. He's bleeding from a pair of small gashes across the back of his hand, his eyes wild with fear. I stare up at him dully as he takes my hands in his; I can feel him shaking.  
  
He's crying. How... strange.  
  
"... how did you find me?" My throat feels dry. It hurts to talk. My fingers are pins and needles in Riku's grip, his warmth bringing life back to them. No, no, I don't want to feel....  
  
"I don't know...." He sounds as strangled as I do, the British accent more pronounced than I've ever heard it before. He closes his eyes, leaning forward until we're resting forehead to forehead. "Sora, please forgive me... I should never have hit you...."  
  
"I provoked you... you did exactly what I wanted you to do...."  
  
"Which is why I shouldn't have done it."  
  
One hand moves to thread his fingers into the hair at the nape of my neck. It's a gentle touch that soothes me. The voice that should be screaming at me to push him away, that no, it's wrong for him to be so close... it's utterly silent. All I can hear is Riku breathing close to my face and a soft, sad trill, like crystal ringing in my ears.  
  
Oh god, it hurts so much when his tears fall on my face. They burn me from within, warming my whole body back to life from the edge of oblivion. Everything prickles, and I start to shiver as the cold bites into me.  
  
"You're frozen through... come on."  
  
He pulls me to my feet, supporting me when I barely have the strength to stand. I don't see the Lexus anywhere, so he must've gone after me on foot. Crazy bastard. I stumble once, my prickling toes making me clumsy, but Riku holds on tight. I don't know where we're going, my legs moving with a will of their own to follow Riku's lead. We make our way along the streets for a little while; apparently I didn't get too far away from the apartment before I collapsed in the alley. It's just far enough that we're not quite home by the time my shivering reaches epic levels. For a moment I swear I'm having another seizure, but Riku doesn't panic. He just veers into a little all-night diner that we've visited a few times since I moved in.  
  
The warmth of the diner washes over me, and I nearly melt into a puddle on the spot. The waitress that sees us first clucks in sympathy, ushering us over to a corner booth away from the two or three other patrons at the counter. Riku finally lets go of me when he's sure I'm not going to tumble out of the seat, taking his own place across from me. Coffee is brought immediately; I want to gulp it down, not caring if it scalds my tongue and my throat, but my hands are still shaking. I manage to get a grip on the mug so I can sip the dark brew slowly. Riku says something to the waitress, who hurries back into the kitchen. He reaches over when I finally set the empty mug down, checking my hands and arms for frostbite. Thankfully, I seem to have been spared.  
  
"I was so worried about you...." It's so simple, but there's a gravity in his voice that forces me to swallow the lump in my throat.  
  
"If you don't mind, I'd rather just forget all of this ever happened. If you want me to go back to the apartment with you, I will. But I don't want to talk about this."  
  
"Then what happens the next time we have a fight? This won't go away, Sora. It all has to come out in the open."  
  
I say nothing, staring down into my empty mug. Eventually the waitress comes back with two bowls of tomato rice soup and two grilled cheese and ham sandwiches for us. I nibble at my sandwich as she refills my coffee. Only when she leaves does Riku sip his soup.  
  
"Nobody wants to hear about why I'm an ass, Riku. Not even you. It's not part of human nature to give a shit about people like me."  
  
"Stop telling me what I do and don't care about, Sora." Riku's face is stern, but his eyes... I look away from those soulful eyes. The way he looks at me makes me want to lean against him and fall asleep on his shoulder. "Please, for once in your life, trust me."  
  
I try to protest, but for the first time I can remember, there's no words of protest waiting for me, no way for me to snipe at the evils of the world. Riku waits patiently, taking a bite of his food now and then. I polish off my sandwich before I find the strength to speak.  
  
"I wanted you to throw me out."  
  
Riku nods. Of course he knew about this all along. Even though I played on his temper to get what I wanted, he knew exactly why I was doing it. His only fault was in not being able to control himself for that one moment.  
  
"If I just tried to leave, you'd come after me. I had to make you hate me so much, you'd never follow me."  
  
"Why, Sora? Why are you afraid of me?"  
  
A spoonful of my soup, taken in the pause between my words and his, almost goes down the wrong way. Is he reading my mind? Or am I that transparent? I cough and pound on my chest a little, Riku watching me all the while. Finally I catch my breath, though I still can't meet his eyes. I lay my spoon in the bowl, my hand resting on the table close to it.  
  
"... I can't take it anymore, Riku. I can't handle being hurt time and time again. What happens when you get bored with coddling some poor kid from the ghetto?"  
  
"... bored...?" He whispers it, and I can see the deep hurt in his expression. "Sora, I didn't take you into my home on some whim. We were both alone, and it was killing us. I hoped... we could help each other."  
  
"I'm so tired." I rub at my eyes, only to start when I feel Riku lay his hand over mine.  
  
"I know. You've been keeping this in for a long time. Look, just finish your soup and we'll go home. We have time to talk about this later. But at least you got this much off your chest, right?"  
  
It's funny, but he's right. Just admitting this one secret to him has made me feel a little better. I think if he tried to lie to me about his feelings, I'd know. It's like we're open books to each other... we just need to understand the language a bit more. I nod once, earning a smile from Riku that I wish I could return. But right now, I think my face will crack if I try. Call it habit, I guess.  
  
We finish in a surprisingly comfortable silence, and I'm amazed at how much lighter and warmer I feel. There's no bad feelings between us, and all I'm worried about now is the lasting repercussions of my actions at the party. I probably landed Riku in some seriously deep shit after that stunt. Thinking about it, I realize I don't have the best personality for getting seriously drunk, especially if I want to avoid sticking my foot in my mouth up to my hip-- again-- in the future.  
  
I don't argue when Riku pays the check, since I'm pretty much broke as usual. He gives me a hand, helping me out of the booth, and together we head back out into the snowy evening.  
  
"You realize it's Christmas Eve now, right?"  
  
Come to think of it, he's right. When we got back from the party, it was about eleven p.m. on the twenty-third. A quick glance at a bank's outdoor clock confirms that it is indeed two-thirty-seven in the morning, with a temperature of twenty-seven degrees. No wonder I'm so frigging tired.  
  
"Hn. When we get back, don't expect me to wake up anytime before next year."  
  
"You and me both."  
  
Riku pauses on the sidewalk just outside the diner, listening. Over the sounds of the City That Never Sleeps, I can hear the diner's outdoor sound system piping quiet music into the night. Mandy Moore, I believe. "I Wanna Be With You." Pop, but it's a pretty song. I suddenly find myself thinking of Aelan, but that's suddenly interrupted when Riku pulls me into his arms, an uncharacteristic grin on his lips.  
  
"I love this song."  
  
"What are you--"  
  
"Shhh...." The grin becomes a gentle smile, his arms holding me close.  
  
And he starts slow-dancing with me on the sidewalk, in the falling snow.  
  
What am I feeling now...?  
  
"Riku...," I murmur, my heart suddenly fluttering in my chest. Snowflakes sparkle in his hair and on his clothes, one tiny crystal clinging to his lashes. Another melts on his cheekbone, rolling down creamy skin like a tear. I can smell his cologne, feel the warmth of his body through his coat, and for the first time in my entire life  
  
in any life  
  
I feel safe.  
  
I feel wanted.  
  
I feel....  
  
become intertwined  
  
I....  
  
no matter what  
  
"Sora...."  
  
I look up.  
  
Right into his eyes.  
  
And there's nothing I can do to stop it.  
  
Nothing to make me want to stop it.  
  
Oh god, I'm falling out of control, and he's the only one who can ever catch me.  
  
He leans toward me, those long pale lashes flickering closed, and I tilt my head back in answer, the world going dark as I shut it away past my own eyelids. My heart thunders in time with the quickening of his breath, something far beyond ourselves quivering in desperate longing within me, like the sound of a thousand souls in harmony. I can't describe it any other way, such an otherworldly feeling more beautiful than anything else in creation.  
  
Save for the single touch of warm lips to mine, shy and gentle, a spark that burns deep into layers of pain and exposes the core of my heart to the sun.  
  
This time, my tears have nothing to do with pain. This time, the only loss I experience is that of losing myself to another, in the awkward, uncertain, but precious touch of flesh to flesh, tongue to tongue, and breath to breath.  
  
I will never be cold again.  
  
TBC 


	10. Chapter 10 Edited Version

The flames in Riku's gas fireplace hypnotize me, their heat echoed in the feeling of the heavy, warm mug clutched in my hands. Half of the hot cider sits in my belly, giving back the last little bit of comfort that Riku couldn't provide. He rejoins me once he's gotten the fire burning just right, closing the panel over the controls. It's a silent blaze, lacking the pop and crackle of a natural wood fire, but the silence means there's no distractions, nothing to stop us from talking about what happened between us on the street. Still, nothing is said for a long time, both of us staring into the fire, the deafening quiet broken now and then by a soft sip from our mugs. The handspan gap between us feels like a canyon, but neither of us make a move to bridge it.  
  
"Why?"  
  
Riku jumps at the sound of my voice. He's not the only one. The shock of hearing myself speak makes my heart beat faster. Steadying myself by draining the last of my cider, I notice Riku finally turn to face me.  
  
"Is this something we really need to explain, Sora?" When I say nothing, Riku reaches out, taking the still warm mug from my hands and setting it down. The touch of his fingers feels even warmer than the cider; I tense when he puts down his own mug and clasps my hands in his. I'm afraid to look at them, instead staring at the bright gleam of firelight on the glass coffee table. "If we hadn't both wanted it, it wouldn't have happened."  
  
"You kissed me, Riku." My voice sounds broken and raw, like shards of glass embedded in my brain.  
  
"You kissed me back."  
  
"Why did you kiss me?" I'm not letting this go. I can't make sense of any of this without him. I finally glance over at him, startled to see that he's smiling as he gazes at our joined hands. Oh god, he's blushing. He looks so incredibly happy....  
  
"I... well... I like you."  
  
"... excuse me?"  
  
"I like you, Sora." He lifts his eyes to mine, and I suddenly can't breathe past the grapefruit-sized lump in my throat. "A lot. I don't know how else to say it."  
  
It takes me three tries to swallow the lump, and even then I sound more hoarse than ever. "I knew you were gay... I just knew it."  
  
Riku's mouth drops open for a moment before he burst out laughing. Apparently, he's finally lost whatever tenuous hold he had on reality. My face grows hot, the tips of my ears tingling and probably pretty red by now.  
  
"You kissed me back!"  
  
Oh, that's it. Now he's got me spluttering like a fish. I yank my hands away and leap to my feet, but he doesn't look insulted. He just keeps laughing.  
  
"Look... whatever happened... it's nothing. We were tired and emotional... caught up in the moment...." I fumble and flail a little, my words sounding flat even to my ears. "We both needed comfort, I guess...."  
  
Riku slowly stops chuckling, but that gentle smile never wavers. He gets up, and once again I find my hands clasped in his. He is soft against my work-roughened skin, the hands of a privileged life. "You could've pushed me away, Sora."  
  
"Yeah, and I would've hurt your feelings." I tug weakly at his grip, but he holds firm. Funny... I don't feel trapped, just embarrassed. I should want to punch him, but I don't.  
  
"Since when do my feelings matter?" It's not an angry accusation, just a curious question, asked with that same unwavering little smile. "I thought you didn't care about anyone, even yourself."  
  
"... you're always smiling. It wouldn't be the same if you stopped."  
  
That must be the answer he was waiting for. He lets go of my hands, only to draw me into a very warm embrace. My arms loosely circle his waist of their own accord, every inch of my skin from head to toe tingling with a sweet electric charge. Damn it, I feel like singing. I hope Riku slaps me if I burst out with "Kumbayah" or something equally horrid. But no, I don't start singing. I just flap my lips and babble like an idiot, until Riku silences me with a kiss.  
  
The knee-melting feeling from that first kiss comes back full force; I moan brokenly into Riku's mouth. He pulls me against his body as if to draw me into himself, and I find my arms tightening around his waist. In that moment, the kiss turns from gentle to hungry, our wanting mouths clashing awkwardly. I don't remember stumbling backward, but I find myself pressed back against the wall, feeding from Riku as he feeds from me. My hands clutch the back of his shirt, his tongue invading my mouth. Oh shit, where did this come from... where'd he learn to kiss like this? He's no Valentino, but damn... I can't let him go!  
  
_i love you_  
  
He's not pawing me, but his hands knead my lower back, sending another rush of blissful heat through my thin frame. I'm dying, he'll kill me, I'm sinking into a warm, bright light... I gasp as he breaks the kiss, bending his neck to brush his lips along my jawline and down the arch of my throat.  
  
_i love you_  
  
My fingers spasm, white-knuckled and clinging to Riku's shirt as if it was my only lifeline. His lips move up my neck and down again in a slow trail, his tongue tasting the salty sweat beginning to rise there. My heart is bursting out of my chest, my blood thundering in my ears, but there is no pain, none at all... this is no seizure....  
  
"... I love you...."  
  
Riku stops dead.  
  
He straightens and looks me right in the eyes, an expression of wide-eyed wonder locked into his features. Whatever sleepy, dreamy feeling I might've had is suddenly gone, my heart still fluttering in my chest like a bird falling from the sky.  
  
I don't know who said it. But it's been said, and it can't be taken back. Not when it was meant with all his... my... our heart....  
  
His arms go slack. I slide downward against the wall until I can slip to the side, away from him, not meeting his shocked gaze again. My coat seems to leap into my hand.  
  
"... later... I'll be back later...." I babble as I race for the door, knowing fully well that I mean it. I will be back. There's no running away this time. There's no desire to run away this time.  
  
He lets me go, out into the winter snows, and I feel the light of his happiness glowing warmly on me even when I'm gone.

* * *

It's funny. The more I think about what happened in Riku's penthouse, the less sense I can make of it. It's like... now that I know he's forgiven me for being an ass, we can't seem to keep our hands off each other. How can two strangers go from an uneasy truce to something like this in less than a month? I feel like I'm stuck in a movie. The walk down the streets, riding the bus... I keep looking for cameras the whole time. When I walk into Autumn's, my feet are still moving on their own, carrying me along without my conscious thought.  
  
"Sora! Honey, where have you been?" Teresa rushes over and envelops me in a huge hug. She smells like fresh bread and herbs, so I can't help taking a deep breath as I hug her back.  
  
"It's a long story. Listen... you know I hate asking for favors, but...."  
  
"Hush, sweetheart. You know no favor you could ever ask me would be too much." Teresa smiles and hustles me into the kitchen, pressing a freshly baked cheese roll into my hand. I gulp the roll down as she bustles about the kitchen, getting ready for the dinner crowd. "Just name it and it's yours."  
  
Ugh, I feel dirty asking for this, but.... "Tomorrow's Christmas, and I still haven't gotten Riku anything...."  
  
She touches a finger to my lips, cutting me off gently and leaving a floury fingerprint behind. "Say no more, honey." She washes her hands quickly, then goes to the corner lockers where we always kept our belongings while we were on shift. My heart breaks when I see her take a twenty out of her purse and cross the kitchen again to give it to me.  
  
"Teresa, I...."  
  
"Shh. You wouldn't be here if you didn't want to get him something nice. I know you'll find something wonderful."  
  
"... thanks, Teresa." I give her another hug, feeling tears stinging my eyes again. She ruffles my hair as I let go of her slowly, reluctantly moving to leave.  
  
"Sora."  
  
I turn, blinking, the twenty in a death grip in my hand.  
  
"Buy something wonderful... but I think you've already given him the perfect gift."  
  
My face is burning again. I don't think I'll ever stop blushing now. I manage a shy smile, the first Teresa has ever seen from me, and run out before I embarrass myself any further.

* * *

Hours later, Riku buzzes me into the penthouse. He's waiting at the door for me when I come in, and we both manage a quiet, shy "hi" before we find ourselves in another gentle hug. Riku's present, generously wrapped by one of the women in the gift shop and nestled in a small shopping bag, hits the carpet with a soft sound as we find ourselves caught up in kissing. They're brief little touches, chaste but sweet, and it takes every ounce of willpower I have to break away. I find myself focused on the fiber optic tabletop Christmas tree that Riku set up on the piano in my absence, the little glass ornaments shining in the jeweltoned lights. Setting it up must've been the perfect distraction for him while I was out.  
  
"We've gotta stop doing that." I rub at my cheeks, still staring at the tree. "Stupid teenage hormones...."  
  
Riku chuckles, just as flushed as I am. "It's not so bad, is it?"  
  
I pick up Riku's gift, glad that it's not breakable, and head to my room to stash it for now. Riku waits for me to come back; I hold up my hands in a stopping gesture before he even says another word. "Look, I... I admit it. It's nice and all, I'm just not... shit, I'm just not used to it, okay? I'm kinda... scared...."  
  
"You know I won't hurt you." He reaches out, stroking my hair lightly, and I find myself turning my face to nuzzle my cheek against his palm. What is with me all of a sudden? "I guess my philosophy on this is... we just let things happen as they want to. We stop when we want to, we don't second-guess, and we have no regrets."  
  
"... you've got a good answer for everything, don't you? Wise-ass." I offer a little grin, taking the sting from the insult and making Riku laugh softly.  
  
"Does it sound so unreasonable, though? Do you want to deny yourself?"  
  
In the end, all I can do is shrug. I don't want to think about this anymore. If Riku's right, then there's no point in thinking about it anyway. "So... we've got the rest of today. What do we do?"  
  
Riku grins. "Cheat."  
  
"Huh?"  
  
"When I was little, I was allowed to open one present on Christmas Eve. There's one thing I want you to have today, so we'll keep that tradition alive." Riku looks almost giddy with excitement over this. I feel guilty that he's probably going to shower me with gifts, and I only have one thing to give him.  
  
"... if I give you yours, that's all you're getting, man. I'm not made of airports."  
  
Riku blinks. "Pardon?"  
  
Gotta love American slang expressions. "Never mind. You sure you want to?"  
  
Wow, I've never seen Riku bounce before. He's almost like a little kid. "Let me go get it!"  
  
He turns and runs to his room. I shake my head, going to retrieve the package I just put away. It looks so small, so pathetic, but knowing Riku, he'll love it.  
  
A few minutes later, we're sitting on the couch with that eight inch gap between us again. Riku's gift to me is in a small box, wrapped in deep blue snowflake mylar and tied with a shiny white gauze. My present to him is slightly bigger, the paper a simple silvery white with a green bow.  
  
"You go first, Riku."  
  
It's like I opened a floodgate. Forget his British decorum, he tears into the present eagerly. I brace myself for a disappointed frown....  
  
"Oh, Sora... I've seen these before, but I've never had one...!" He opens the top of the box, brushing his fingers over the little plastic water-filled case inside. It's a Wish Pearl set, bought on a whim because it struck me as being sappy and sentimental, and that's Riku. The small oyster bobs in the water, hiding a randomly colored pearl that, once cleaned off, will go into the small charm that came with the set. The "pearl cage" is shaped like a lotus, its outlines formed by delicate pieces of silver.  
  
"It's stupid, I know...." I blink as Riku leaps up, rushing to the bathroom with the oyster in hand. Following him, I watch him open the case and pour out the water, then use a nail file to pry open the oyster.  
  
"I wonder what color it is... oh!"  
  
A rose-colored pearl rolls into his palm.  
  
Rose, for love. Why am I not surprised? Riku looks like he's tearing up as he carefully washes and dries the pearl, pressing it into the silver charm. Then he holds it out to me by the chain, asking silently. I take the necklace, clasping it around his neck. That's when I realize there's something different about him, but I can't quite figure out what.  
  
"Go on... you open yours."  
  
I'd almost forgotten about his gift to me. I tear it open carefully, blinking at the worn jewelry box nestled in my hand. If it's a diamond ring, I'll be freaked out. I open it slowly, the light catching a warm glimmer inside.  
  
Oh god, I think my heart just stopped. Now I know why Riku looks different.  
  
The pendant sitting in the jewel box is his amber heart, the one he's never without.  
  
"Mom would want me to give it to the most important person in my life," Riku whispers, taking it from me and looping the chain around my neck. The pendant dangles low on my chest, a splash of fiery warmth against the darkness of my clothes.  
  
"... then why are you giving it to me...?" I choke on the words, tears thick in my voice. Please, I can't cry. Not now. I'm supposed to be happy, aren't I?  
  
I expect him to protest with words, to insist that there's no one more important, no one more desired or cherished in his life. But he chooses instead to kiss me for a third time, and I give in all too easily. Every thought melts away, the last screaming protest that this is so wrong buried in a swirling flood of pure, unmitigated happiness. This isn't wrong, it's right. Something deep down inside me is crying out a resounding "yes!" How could I have been so blind?  
  
Okay, I'm still scared. There's so much that hinges on a relationship, and so much that a relationship hinges on, that I'm terrified I'll drown. But it's not enough to make me care that we're both stumbling out of the bathroom, mouths still locked together. Riku backs into the wall with a grunt that echoes into my mouth, making us finally break apart long enough to clumsily make our way into his room.  
  
I'm scared, but I don't stop to think about what we're doing. All that matters is that, for the moment, I feel no regrets.

* * *

(To all of you reading this on you're being cheated. There's a LOT more between this next paragraph and that cute little mark above this warning. ;; If you want the unedited version, hit my profile for my fic livejournal. Thanks, and sorry... but I don't want this account deleted. ;)

* * *

Riku sighs, his half-mast eyes slipping completely closed. I figure he's already asleep as I shyly rest my head on his shoulder, breathing in his scent as if it's the only way I can be sure he's real.  
  
"Sora, I lo--"  
  
So he's not asleep. My finger is on his lips before he can finish his thought. I can't let him say it... not yet.  
  
"I... I know, Riku. Just go to sleep, okay?"  
  
Thankfully, he doesn't argue. He sleeps instead, and the steady drum of his heart lures me down with him.

* * *

Riku is still asleep when I open my eyes, sitting up in his bed with the sheets pooling across my lap. I run a hand through my sweaty hair, watching the early dawn light from the picture window fall across his face in a pale ribbon. He looks even more ruffled than I am, silver hair spread out over the pillow like a lunar corona, but his face is more peaceful than I've ever seen it.  
  
I could almost pretend it didn't happen, if not for the nagging stiffness and soreness....  
  
I actually slept with him. I let Riku take my virginity... okay, I took his in the process, but....  
  
Sliding out of bed quietly so I don't wake him, I set my feet on the thick carpet and stand up. OW. Pain! I guess we really did get a little out of hand. It's not terrible, just unexpected. It'll go away eventually, at least. Sighing, I slowly make my way to the bathroom to shower, letting the hot water soothe my aching body. It's almost a shame to wash away his scent from my skin, but I feel sticky. There's still a little of my semen on my stomach, though Riku got the brunt of it when I came. If I can't smell like sex and Riku, which isn't a good idea, then I can at least use his soap.  
  
I feel much better by the time I'm done, the lingering aftereffects of our passionate tussle having faded somewhat. After pulling on clean boxers and a tank top, I head into the living room. The Christmas tree is still on; I go brew myself some coffee in Riku's French press so I can sip while staring at those cheerful lights shift through the colors of the rainbow. Everything around me feels surreal, like I'm wandering through some crazy waking dream. After a lifetime alone, here I am in someone's home... someone's life... someone's heart. I wonder if I can even be what he wants me to be, if I can truly love him without fear, and I find myself sickened by the idea that I might not be able to. Riku deserves better than me. Someone with a gentle heart like his deserves a lover without cynicism, without all the scars I carry.  
  
Warm arms slide around my chest from behind, an equally comfortable body pressed against my back. I gasp in surprise, managing not to drop my coffee. I think I was expecting him to wake up and find me sooner or later, so I'm not too startled. He touches a kiss to my cheek, eliciting a soft, happy sigh from my lips.  
  
"The bed felt colder when you left."  
  
"Sorry. I just... couldn't sleep anymore. It's almost seven in the morning, you know. We've been asleep for a while." I take another sip of coffee. "Burned a lot of energy, I guess."  
  
"Are you hungry?"  
  
"A little." I'm lying, I'm absolutely ravenous. I just don't want him to let go of me.  
  
"I'll make breakfast." I can feel the way his arms linger even as he releases me; he doesn't want to let go, either. He moves past me into the kitchen, and I find myself watching the play of his muscles under the fair skin of his back. He's only wearing boxers, making for a beautiful view. I stand in the doorway of the kitchen, watching him cook tomato and lox omelettes for us. Damn, he's graceful even when he's doing something as ordinary as making breakfast. It's much better than watching the lights on the tree.  
  
"Riku, about last night...."  
  
He looks up from the skillet, blinking and a little sad. "You're not regretting it, are you?"  
  
I shake my head, watching that simple gesture chase the gloom from his eyes. "I'm just having trouble believing that it happened. Even though my ass hurts, you klutz."  
  
He bites his lip, shoulders shaking as he fights not to laugh. It's infectious, really... I find my lips twitching, and soon I can't hold it back. To hear me laugh startles him, his eyes as wide as a child's upon seeing something for the first time. A smile of utter wonder curves his plush mouth, breaking into bright laughter of his own as he hands me my breakfast.  
  
"Oh, Sora... just eat your omelette!"  
  
TBC 


	11. Chapter 11

Riku goes to grab a shower after breakfast, leaving me to sit crosslegged on the couch, listening to the Trans-Siberian Orchestra CD he bought when he went shopping. This is my kind of Christmas music, powerful and inspiring, with just enough of a modern edge to keep me interested. It's just what I need as I turn my attention back to the old journal cradled in my lap. There's only a couple of pages left, the rest filled with over two years of writing, but they're all I need. This will be the last entry in this book. Maybe I'll start a new one, but this journal needs to be brought to a close, the pain etched in it tempered with some final words of hope.  
  
_Hope... I'm still not sure just when I found that with you, but I know I can feel it. Still, the presence of hope doesn't mean the absence of doubt. Part of me wonders if what you feel for me can really last for a lifetime. How could something so strong exist within a human shell? In the end, will it tear us both apart? I wanted to let you say it last night, curled against you with your arms around me, the dull ache of sex still fresh in my body. I've never wanted anyone to touch me, I would never allow it, but I let you. Why would I let you do that to me, if I didn't feel it, too?  
  
I feel so confused right now, Riku. I've been alone my whole life, and now here you are, working your way into my heart with your easy smile and your compassion. I don't know why you chose me. Maybe someday, I could begin to understand what you see in me. But right now, even with everything you've done for me, I'm afraid I have to ask you for one more thing. I just hope you can forgive me for asking.  
_  
_Riku, I need you to show me how to love someone. Because even though I'm afraid, even though I don't understand, I think I really might love you._  
  
I wonder if there's anything more to say after that. I click the pen's point back into hiding, staring down at the scrawled words. My writing gets more and more shaky as it goes along, my hand wanting to pour everything out before my courage falters. Maybe I won't even be able to show it to him, but it's there. I made a promise to myself to never tear pages out of this book, so those words will be there until my journal gives in to time and crumbles to nothing.  
  
The bathroom door clicks open right as the phone rings. I yell to Riku to get dressed, that I'll answer it, and snag the closest cordless from its cradle.  
  
"Whitebridge residence."  
  
"Riku?" The voice on the other end is deep, definitely older than me, and heavily accented. It also doesn't sound very happy, like one of those people who goes around with a metaphorical lemon jammed in his mouth.  
  
"Nah, he just got out of the shower. Hold on a sec."  
  
"Wait. Are you the boy who was with my son at the party?"  
  
His son?  
  
Oh shit.  
  
"... Mr. Whitebridge, I assume?"  
  
"Yes." Now he sounds pissed, in a tightly controlled way. "Answer my question. Were you with my son that night?"  
  
"Could've been somebody else. I'm sure Riku has lots of friends." Now I'm getting annoyed. I don't care who this guy is, I don't like his tone at all. Riku must've gotten his personality from his mother, regardless of how little time he had with her.  
  
"None of my son's associates that have a Brooklyn accent are as young as you. I was informed that a young man with an accent like yours caused an unbelievable scene at my gala."  
  
"Sounds like you just answered your own question, buddy."  
  
"Put my son on the phone. Now." Clearly this guy is used to getting his own way. It may be Christmas, but I'm feeling vindictive. I have my own reasons to hate Riku's father.  
  
"Sure, I'll just drag him out here half-dressed. Easier to molest him that way."  
  
I can practically feel the sparks bristling at me through the line. "You little... you won't lay a finger on my son. He's engaged to be married, and I'm certain his fiancee won't be very happy to have a little homewrecker staying in her future home."  
  
"Leah? She's a nice girl. I feel bad for snapping at her, I admit it. But really, I think that made her less unhappy than the shit you're pulling with her and Riku." I feel giddy and lightheaded, unable to stop myself from grinning. With a man as powerful as Sinclair Whitebridge, my actions at the party have pretty much ensured that I'll mysteriously "disappear," never to be seen again. "It's amazing how human your son is, considering he's got you for a father. You talk to him this way, too?"  
  
"Put Riku on the phone now!" Now he's really pissed, screw decorum and all that.  
  
"You wanna ruin his holiday? Why don't you hop on your private jet and fly out here so you can spank him yourself? I mean, he's been a bad boy, being nice to everybody he meets... it's horrible, really." My voice drops lower as I crank up the ice levels. "Or are you too busy today? If you really wanted to be here, you would've been. You're working, when you could've been with your son... aren't you?"  
  
There's a long silence on the other end of the line. No, it's not a complete silence, because I can hear his heavy, fast breathing. Man, I've really dug myself in deep. Riku chooses that moment to emerge from his room, casually dressed and looking slightly confused.  
  
"Sora? Who is it?"  
  
I hold out the phone, grinning crookedly. "It's your dad."  
  
I've never seen Riku's eyes go that wide before. He snags the phone and brings it up to his ear. "Father...?"  
  
The tirade is immediate and loud. Riku winces, holding the phone a good foot from his ear, and we can both still make out almost everything. Sinclair is a raging bull, and I find myself hoping his office is well soundproofed for the sake of his poor secretary. Only when he barks for Riku to acknowledge him does the flood of verbal abuse stop. Riku gingerly brings the phone back to his ear, whispering a "yes, sir" before disconnecting the call. He slumps onto the couch, staring down at the phone in his hands.  
  
"Oh, Sora... why did you do that?"  
  
"Because the guy's an ass. You were right, he doesn't care about you. He's too busy running his company to spend Christmas with his own son. I don't care how much you remind him of your mom. You'd think that would just make him appreciate you more... you're all he has left."  
  
Riku nods once, his expression empty. It's disturbing to see on that normally bright, open face.  
  
"... let me guess. He's busy today, but he'll be here first thing tomorrow to talk to you. Or maybe the next day. Depends on when he's done devouring the competition."  
  
Riku drops the phone, hiding his face in his hands. It's all the answer I need. I wrap my arms around him, pulling him close and stroking his hair. He doesn't cry, but his breath catches a few times as he returns the hug.  
  
"Damn it, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have done that... I keep screwing things up, don't I? Look, when he gets here, I'll apologize... do whatever he wants me to do. If he wants me to leave, I will."  
  
Riku's whisper is so soft, I almost miss it. "What about what I want?"  
  
"You'd stand up to your father for me...?" No. No, Riku, I'm not worth this. Don't get yourself in trouble over me. Stand up to him when it's right, but not over me.  
  
He lifts his head from my shoulder, his eyes bright with tears. "You still don't understand, do you? I will stand up to him because of you. I love you, Sora."  
  
He's just yanked the world out from under me. I swallow thickly, unable to answer, and it's all I can do to just nod.  
  
Riku smiles, kissing me gently, sending flutters through my chest. "It's okay. You don't have to say it until you're ready. I know."  
  
He gets up, going to a cabinet in the entertainment center... and starts bringing out presents. Everything's for me, and I feel guilty for my piddling little offerings. Soon I'm surrounded by brightly wrapped gifts, one sitting on my lap on top of my closed journal. I untie and unwrap and open for what seems like an hour, Riku hovering next to me with this huge grin the whole time, unaware of how awful I feel for cheapskating him. He's really paid attention to my tastes: all of the clothes are in dark colors, except for an occasional splash of white or bright red, and only about half are preppy. There's gift certificates to bookstores and music stores, a new digital watch, and... a new journal! This one is covered in expensive leather, the pages like expensive aged parchment edged in silver leaf.  
  
"It's kinda weird that you gave me this... I just finished the last page while you were in the shower." I hand over my old journal. "I want you to read the last entry, okay?"  
  
Riku looks absolutely touched. "Okay... I'll read it while you go open your last present." He points to a pair of huge boxes nestled in the corner. "Just undo the ribbon, don't try to lift them yet."  
  
Okay, now I'm curious. I go to the boxes, opening the closest one with a tug on the huge bow. Four flaps pulled aside, and inside is... oh my god. It's a huge computer monitor. Heart pounding, I open the other box to be greeted by the sight of the computer itself. Judging by the spec sheet laid on top, this is a top of the line personal computer, loaded to the gills with everything I could ever need for writing, gaming, internet....  
  
But it's the soft choking sound from Riku that grabs my attention. He's still reading, but he's almost done. I know when he reaches the end because he gives a little cry, sliding the book off his lap. He's on his feet, a few long strides bringing him into my arms.  
  
"You mean it, Sora?" One tear hits the back of my tank top, the other landing on my bare shoulder.  
  
He holds me like he loves me, protecting me from the whole world, and I only made things worse between him and his father. "Riku, you know your dad's gonna get here sooner or later. Do you really think he'll let me stay? Do you really think he'll tolerate me sleeping with his son?"  
  
"I don't care...."  
  
"I care. I just make things harder for you. You know I'd give anything to stay with you...."  
  
"I don't want anything from you, Sora! I just want you to say you love me!"  
  
"... that's wanting something, Riku...." I feel like I'm drowning again. My hands move over his back, my arms tightening around him in a brief squeeze. "I know you're not trying to buy me, but you've given me so much I feel like I'm taking advantage of you. I don't have anything to offer in return. Even what you want from me... it's not enough to make us equal. Don't you think I want to be worthy of you? I feel like a mud stain on a white carpet, and that's the last thing you need. You deserve somebody... I don't know, somebody happy."  
  
"Aren't you happy with me?"  
  
"I...."  
  
One moment of hesitation might not have been so bad, but the five or six that I'm giving him aren't good. I feel his arms loosen from my waist, and before I can stop myself I've nearly crushed him against me. Riku gasps in surprise, tensing momentarily until I ease up.  
  
"No, wait... don't go...."  
  
"Why? Why shouldn't I go, if you can't accept it?" Riku rests his forehead against mine, our lips so achingly close. I want to kiss him, even if I still break his heart later. How selfish of me. "Tell me, Sora. I have to know for sure."  
  
God, it hurts.  
  
It hurts so much I can hardly breathe. I can't feel Riku's skin against my arms anymore. Aside from the pain in my chest, I think I've gone completely numb. My legs buckle, leaving me sliding down against him.  
  
Riku's cry sounds muffled and thick in my ears. He sinks to his knees, cradling me, until my heart gives one massive throb that reverberates through my entire body.  
  
I jerk against Riku with a strangled gurgle as my senses burn away into golden light. That light spreads outward, and I hear a sound like glass shattering as whatever energy my body has released devours anything in its path.  
  
I feel Riku's arms dissolve, a ringing scream that could be his consumed as well in the wash of power. My consciousness rides that light, helpless as I feel people dying, the very earth shattering, but all I can think of is the first casualty of this insanity.  
  
He's dead.  
  
I killed him and I don't even know how.  
  
I scream, thrashing in the light, until I break free of it. From start to finish, the devastation is so rapid it feels unreal, but it is also complete. There's nothing left except me and the murderous light. Floating in a golden sea, my body my own again, the only pain I feel the ache of grief in my chest. My sob echoes into the empty womb of brilliance around me.  
  
"... Riku...."  
  
_sora_  
  
He's holding me. Dead he may be, but I can feel his arms around me still. I look up into his eyes, but they aren't his eyes at all. These eyes are featureless spheres of deep violet, set in a face of soft white light. I realize it's not just this being's face, but his entire body... he is light, the gentle glow obscuring his features until my eyes adjust.  
  
That face is my own.  
  
"... who...?"  
  
He smiles at me, holding me to his heart and rocking me slowly. I'm so tired, I just want to close my eyes and never wake up. There's no point.  
  
_yes, there is. riku isn't dead, sora. you're Seeing.  
_  
"Seeing...?"  
  
_what might happen. what will happen, if you can't learn to let go.  
_  
"I don't understand."  
  
_he loves you. you love him. but it's hard for you to say it. do you know why?_  
  
"If I did, I'd be able to get over it...."  
  
_it's not so simple. your heart remembers breaking before. you don't want it to break again, so you protect yourself._  
  
I push away, and my mirror image lets me go with a sad but patient smile. "What's happening to me? Why did I collapse? Where's Riku?"  
  
_he is right here, with you. you can't see him because of your Sight. you're Seeing another layer right now._  
  
"You're not making any sense. Go away." I turn around, wrapping my arms around myself. I don't even care that I'm apparently naked at the moment. How symbolic. I definitely feel vulnerable right now, though.  
  
_you're dying._  
  
"I know that."  
  
_no. you're going to die, right now, unless you let go. what you saw, that explosion of light... it will happen if you restrain it any longer. you will destroy this world._  
  
"Restrain what? Stop talking in riddles!"  
  
_then for it to make any sense, you must remember._  
  
This time, when the world dissolves, it turns dark and cold.  
  
_remember...._

* * *

"I'm trying to find my friend." I dig out a hastily drawn picture from my pocket, done by a kind artist on another world and based on my detailed description of a face I could never forget. "This is how he looked six years ago, but I'm hoping he hasn't changed much. Have you seen him?"  
  
The old man glances at the picture, his eyes softening. "... yeah. I remember that face. Pretty one, that young man. He appeared a couple of weeks ago, cold and hungry, so we took him in and nursed him back to health." He leans back, chewing on a piece of jerky, and sighs. "He had a good heart, always playing with the village children, helping out... and when the bandits attacked us a week ago, he was right there, fighting alongside us."  
  
My heart leaps into my throat. "He's still here! Where can I find him? Please, you have to tell me!"  
  
The old man points westward, over the hill. I turn and run, ignoring his protests. I sprint so fast my lungs ache in the cool morning air, my hair plastered to my face from the moisture of the fog. Still, I'm laughing as I reach the crest of the hill.  
  
"Riku!"  
  
I clear the rise, and my laughter dies in my throat.  
  
Spread around the base of the hill, protected by trees and an iron fence, is a graveyard.  
  
My feet move on their own, bringing me down the hill and into the open gate. The stones are well-kept and simple, dotted here and there with shading trees, decorated with flowers and trinkets. Toward the back, where the newer graves are, I find the stone I didn't want to see. It's tucked into a quiet little corner, sheltered by the branches of a tree like a weeping willow. It's his name, plus a small inscription... he died defending the children from the bandits. Those same children had left toys and flowers and ribbons on the grave, gratitude for the brave stranger who had saved every last one of them by himself. He was a hero.  
  
And I'd lost him forever. If I'd only been here a week sooner, I could've helped him. I might've saved him.  
  
I curl up on the carpet of flowers, knowing that only a few feet below me, the one person I'd ever really loved was slowly joining the soil of an alien world. Without him, no place would ever be home. My home was destroyed, all of my power useless when it really mattered. The years of searching meant nothing. Even the keyblade couldn't bring back the dead. I'd served it and my destiny for all these years, and this is how I was repaid... with grief that would never, ever end.  
  
When it began to rain, I still laid there. No one moved me from the grave until three days later, when it was time to lay me in my own, beside the one I loved.

* * *

_you died of a broken heart.  
_  
"... I know." And now I understood, though it would never give me the strength to stand in the path of pain again. So many years of keeping people at arm's length, all from an impossible loss. "Why am I alive now? Why am I here, in this city, in this world? It doesn't make sense."  
  
_you are not who you think you are. you know this is your second lifetime, but you don't fully understand what your first one meant.  
_  
"And you do?"  
  
_i was your partner then, as i am now. when you were reborn in this world, you brought me with you. inside you._  
  
"Then who are you?"  
  
He smiles and holds out a hand to me. _you can only understand if you accept me... and what i represent.  
_  
"And what's that?"  
  
_love. your love for peace, for hope, for life. but most of all, your love for the other half of your heart, the one who you were reborn to find.  
_  
"Riku...."  
  
_take my hand. he needs you. you need him. tell him how you feel, and don't be afraid._  
  
"... reborn... just to see you again...."  
  
_you've earned your chance, sora. you both have. you remember now._  
  
"... I remember. I remember everything... they weren't dreams or hallucinations... I remember...."  
  
_now you must make riku remember, too.  
_  
Hesitation doesn't last this time. I take a deep breath, reach out, and clasp his warm hand in mine.  
  
"I love you, Riku...."

* * *

I wish Sora would wake up.  
  
He won't stop seizing, blood runs from his nose, and it's all I can do to just hold him. It's been almost six minutes, the longest seizure he's ever had, and I can't get through to 911 because it's snowing again and they're clogged with accident reports. I'm sobbing, rocking Sora in my arms and praying that it's over soon, but every jerk of his thin frame in my arms is like a slap in the face of hope.  
  
"Please, Sora... you have to wake up! I promise I'll make everything right... I'll even run away with you if you just open your eyes!"  
  
Sora suddenly arches hard in my arms, pushing his chest up and out, heaving a huge gasp of air. Under his dark shirt, right over his heart, a faint light begins to shine. It... doesn't make any sense. I shift him in my arms, getting the loose tank top off, only to feel like I've been punched in the gut. There is a light there, and it's coming from under Sora's skin, a warm golden-white glow just under where his pendant rests. As I watch, the chain of his necklace dissolves like sugar in water, the amber heart sinking into his skin completely.  
  
I am not seeing this. It's not physically or logically possible!  
  
But it is happening.  
  
_riku... help me....  
_  
Sora?!  
  
_set me free....  
_  
What? God, I'm so confused... why can I hear him?! That light... is it hurting him somehow?  
  
I gingerly touch the soft glow, yelping when my fingers sink into his chest, the light flaring around my invading hand.  
  
This isn't happening!  
  
Deeper I go, some morbid sense of curiosity fueling the effort. When my hand bumps into something hard and smooth, I feel a flash of panic, wondering if maybe I've reached all the way through to touch his spine. But no, this feels harder than bone, thinner and smoother. Instinctively my fingers curl around it, and I slowly draw back my hand.  
  
What emerges is as beautiful as it is impossible. A shaft of silver, surrounded by a ring of bright, twisted roots of the same metal. The roots blend into a tree trunk, gnarled and slender, but strong, wrapped in thin, leafy, golden vines. I keep pulling, slowly revealing a few feet of silver trunk before it flares out to one side, graceful branches tipped with three bright, sharp, crystal leaves: slender green willow leaf, pointed red maple, jagged golden oak. The massive object finally frees itself from Sora's body with a final burst of bright sparks, leaving the skin unmarked and no longer lit from within. Sora slumps back over my arm, breathing normally, deeply asleep, and blessedly still. I draw him to my chest, my eyes focused on the strange thing I pulled from him. A faint jingle catches my attention, and I hold the tree-like construct higher to get a better look at the root end. Dangling from a curl of root that forms the lowest part of the ring is a short length of silver chain.  
  
At the end of that chain, the two plain silver bands holding it now more like tiny vines with equally tiny leaves, the amber heart gleams at me.  
  
TBC 


	12. Chapter 12

Apparently, a near-death experience feels like a serious hangover.  
  
Until I sit up, my head feels like it's about to explode. I'm almost afraid to open my eyes, but I do anyway. The room isn't spinning and my body doesn't want to throw up, both of which are good. It's dark, night having fallen while I was unconscious, the room lit only by a few dim lights and a soft golden-green glow from the keyblade laying on the coffee table beside me.  
  
Yggdrasil.  
  
I reach out, closing my fingers around the grip and lifting the weapon. It's so much lighter than it should be, its gentle warmth like that of living flesh. It even feels like it's pulsing slightly at my touch, greeting me. Yeah, I'm glad to be awake, too.  
  
A soft noise from the recliner, close to the end of the couch where my head had been a moment ago, makes me look up. Riku rubs his eyes, slowly coming to from what must've been a long nap. The moment he sees me alive and well, his eyes go wide and alert, though the puffiness under them makes him look sick.  
  
"Sora! Y-- you're awake... thank god, I thought you'd never open your eyes! I thought you were dead!" He slides off the recliner to sit on the floor closer to me. "Are you alright? How do you feel? Are you still in pain?"  
  
Somehow, seeing Riku this frantic makes me feel better. It means he cares. "Well, at first I felt kinda woozy, but I'm okay now. How about you? You look like you haven't slept."  
  
"As if I could sleep, worrying about you. You've been asleep since about nine-thirty... it's been over twelve hours."  
  
"I'm surprised you didn't cart me off to the hospital."  
  
"The phone lines are completely messed up, and 911's been backed up all day. You should see what happened outside while we were busy in bed." Riku sighs and runs a hand through his tousled hair. "The entire city is buried in snow, and I mean buried. Besides, even if I did take you to the hospital., how could we explain that?" He gestures to the keyblade now laying in my lap.  
  
"Kinda weird, huh?"  
  
"Kinda? Sora, I pulled that bloody thing out of your chest. What is it and where the hell did it come from?" He's gawking at me like I've lost my mind, a far cry from the blind concern he'd been showing a few minutes ago. To anyone who hasn't been through what we've experienced, I really must sound like a raving lunatic.  
  
"It's called Yggdrasil. It's a keyblade... but you don't remember, do you?"  
  
"Remember what?" Riku reaches up and lays a hand on my knee, but his fingers keep their distance from the gleaming keyblade. He almost looks afraid. "There's something different about you, more than just this keyblade thing."  
  
I smile softly, touching Riku's hand with my own. "I remember everything now. This is what was making me sick, but it's not Yggdrasil's fault, really. It's mine. I was holding it inside me, keeping it hidden until it was needed, but I was hurting it at the same time. All the anger and resentment built up inside me, and it was killing the keyblade. Every time I had a seizure, that was Yggdrasil trying to break free. I should've just let go, but that would mean letting myself feel again, and I couldn't do it. It was too painful."  
  
"How could you hurt it, though? It's some kind of... key."  
  
"It's alive, Riku. Keyblades have souls of their own, choosing a wielder and partnering with them. Keyblade masters have to have pure hearts, and mine was pure once. But...." Even now, across another lifetime, it's so hard to say. My smile falters, tears welling in my eyes. It's enough to draw Riku up from the floor and onto the couch beside me, arms sliding around me. "I lost you once, and it destroyed me."  
  
"I don't understand... we've never met before."  
  
"Yes, we have, in another lifetime."  
  
"Sora...."  
  
"Hear me out, Riku. There was a battle... a lot of battles, actually... I ended up on one side, you ended up on the other. We fought, I won... and I lost you. I spent years searching for you, and in the end, it all came down to a week. I was a week too late."  
  
I turn my head, looking into confused, worried eyes. He shakes his head slowly, either in disbelief or admonishing me for such an outrageous story. My heart shudders at the sight, and Yggdrasil pulses in gentle reassurance, settling my nerves in an instant.  
  
"Too late for what? It doesn't make any sense."  
  
Sickness rolls in my gut, the idea... the sight of that lonely grave under its blanket of flowers... clenching my heart in grief that my keyblade once again has to soothe.  
  
"You died."  
  
Funny... it's true what they say. The color really does drain from his face. I watch it flee, his expression going from shock to denial in the span of a heartbeat. His lips move, his throat making little noises, but that's all.  
  
"You don't believe in reincarnation, do you?"  
  
"... no...." He can barely say it, the word almost a croak.  
  
"But it's true. The keyblade was my weapon back then. There are others, but this one's mine... I can tell, even though it's different this time." I finger the keychain lightly, feeling the smoothness of the amber. "These change the keyblade's form and powers, but nothing changes the way it feels."  
  
"... I... I don't believe this, Sora. I don't believe any of it. How can I? It's not possible!" Riku seems to have found his voice now, his accent thicker than ever. His pallor makes the darkness under his eyes stand out even more. He looks like me.  
  
"... I get it. You can't remember until you have yours back, too. That's what's happening here... they're not just weapons, they're seals." I let go of the keyblade and reach around to unclasp Riku's necklace.  
  
"What're you doing...?"  
  
"Just hold still."  
  
I clutch the caged pearl in my hand, feeling it pulse with the same resonance as Yggdrasil. I'm right, I know I am. Laying my closed fist against Riku's chest, I offer a reassuring little smile that makes some of the tension melt from his features.  
  
"Trust me."  
  
I push my hand inside him, feeling his flesh both spasm in alarm and welcome the invasion in a blaze of cool lavender-white light. Riku gasps, stumbling and almost collapsing if not for my hand. His keyblade nearly leaps into my grasp, eager to be drawn forth, and I begin to pull back. The caged pearl emerges on the end of a short chain, swinging slightly as I unsheathe the weapon from his heart. Even halfway out, it begins to resonate, throbbing in time with Yggdrasil's heartbeat. Riku drops to his knees, arched backward, an odd haze the same color as the light in his chest passing through his eyes.  
  
It's awake.  
  
With one more yank, I pull the keyblade free, sending Riku tumbling to one side. He curls into a semi-fetal position, shuddering, his eyes nearly blind with that strange fog. It's all I can do to pick up Yggdrasil, holding on tight to both keyblades as I watch him wake from a life-long sleep.

* * *

"Why? It was mine."  
  
My heart pounds in my chest as I run, fleeing my friend-turned-nemesis, feeling my own shortcomings and burning with shame for it. For all the times I've been better than him, why now does my power fail me? What makes him so special, that I can't best him when it matters most?  
  
"Know this."  
  
That voice gives me the chills, right down to my soul, freezing me in place. Every fiber of my being is screaming at me to run, but I never did have enough sense to run from danger, did I? It's called courage... or maybe stupidity.  
  
"The heart that is strong and true shall win the keyblade."  
  
"What? You're saying my heart's weaker than his?" Of course it is. If my heart was strong, I never would've doubted Sora's friendship. But I did, I tried to murder him, and now I can never go back. In for a penny, in for a pound.  
  
"For that instant, it was. However, you can become stronger. You showed no fear in stepping through the door to darkness. It held no terror for you. Plunger deeper into the darkness, and your heart will grow even stronger." The cloaked shadow draws closer, bringing with it the coldness of the grave. It's too late to back away now. Even if I ran, it would catch me.  
  
"What should I do?" Now that I've sealed my fate, what else can I do? I only hope Sora will forgive me someday.  
  
"It's really quite simple. Open yourself to the darkness. That is all. Let your heart, your being, become darkness itself." It glides closer, spreads cloaked arms wide, and crashes down on me like a wave. I scream, the sound drowning in the unparalleled darkness. What lies beyond the cloak is both horrible and beautiful, tearing me in half, ripping away the last of what makes me human.  
  
I feel my heart stop beating in its unseen fist, a faint vibration traveling up....  
  
... my arm, the clang of metal on metal, the grinding of weapons and the hiss of sparks.  
  
Sora drops a little lower, straining under my pressure, gritting his teeth. The flash of his blue eyes is fierce, every bit the warrior the keyblade master should be. Still, I am unafraid, my breath hissing between my lips in excited pants. My keyblade grinds against the dark blockiness of his own, the heavy industrial weapon made ridiculous by the bright yellow bird dangling from the end. The thrill of the hunt screams through my blood, demanding that I push harder, splitting his skull in two so that those emotional eyes will stop staring through me.  
  
"Forget it! There's no way you're taking Kairi's heart!"  
  
He shoves me away, sending me stumbling a step, and it's all I can do not to shudder in pleasure. I will take him down fighting, the little nuisance ground to powder under my heel. Especially for mentioning her name, for worrying about her well-being. Where was your friendship when I needed it?! Why did you forsake me, when I loved you... when I even remembered what love is?!  
  
With a cry, I throw myself at....  
  
... the door, slamming into the heavy barrier with my shoulder. It barely moves, but it does indeed move, and I find the hope that we'll be able to close it.  
  
"Come on, Sora! Together, we can do it!"  
  
Where was this strength when I needed it, when it could've prevented so much misery? Even with the sounds of Sora's companions yelling in fear as they help us and the shrieks of the Heartless dying in the light of the king's keyblade behind me, I can't shake my thoughts from the darkness of my mistakes. I'm almost glad I lose sight of Sora's face around the edge of the door for a moment, giving me time to blot my tears on my arm.  
  
"Now! They're coming!" Oh god, please don't let them get through. Sora's so tired, he might actually be killed if they break through the door.  
  
The door... it's swinging shut. All of my mistakes can never be wiped clean, but they can be sealed away where they'll do no more harm. I catch a glimpse of Sora as the heavy portal closes, hurt etched deep into his eyes even as he puts on a brave face.  
  
No, Sora. Don't think of me. I'll only hurt you. Don't....  
  
"Take care of her."  
  
The door closes, and I sag to the ground as Sora and the king seal it. Now I can break down freely, knowing he's safe.  
  
STOP!  
  
But it won't stop. It's not done with me yet....  
  
The children run out ahead with me closely following the flock. I have my keyblade in one hand -- the one given me by the king when I set off to find Sora -- and a toddler tucked between my free arm and my chest. I can hear the bandits behind me, hooting and calling for an attack. I know the children, with their short legs and shorter stamina, will never outrun these adults. I hand over the toddler to one of the older kids, yelling at them to keep running as I turn to face the pack of human wolves hunting us down.  
  
The first takes a keyblade strike to the head and drops like a rock. The next two succumb to wide horizontal slashes. Three, four, and five eat a series of rapid stabs. It's an old dance, done many times on many worlds, but my sins are too great to be washed away in the blood shed by righteous slaughter. Still, I keep hacking away, seemingly no end to the horde pouring down on us. They start to surround me.  
  
This sucks. If I hadn't rejected the darkness, these men would all be bloody smears on the landscape. Then again, if the darkness still owned my heart and soul, I wouldn't care about the children, either. I suppose part of me hoped that being apart from Sora for nearly seven years would be torture enough to make up for everything I'd done, but it seems fate has other ideas in mind.  
  
Fire tears into my side, rupturing a kidney and angling up to pierce a lung. I choke, staggering and dropping the keyblade into the dust as my back becomes a pincushion for sharpened wooden spears. They drive me facefirst into the dirt, pulling their weapons out only to stab me again and again. It hurts so much I start to go numb, not even feeling the blood sticking my clothes to my body.  
  
Oh god, I can't die here. Not after the hell I've been through...!  
  
I raise my head, watching through the wall of legs as the children vanish into the forest at the edge of the village, safely hidden away in the shelter tucked away there.  
  
I smile even as tears fill my eyes, the children's safety my final atonement for my sins. But Sora... where is Sora to hold my hand and grin at me, laughing that everything will be alri--  
  
A spear rams into the back of my neck and erupts through the front, tearing away the last of my breath and with it the image of Sora, smiling to the very end....

* * *

Riku jerks awake in my arms with a strangled cry, the light fading from his eyes in an instant. For several moments, he's disoriented and squirming, until he focuses on my face. Suddenly he's still, save for the terrible sobs that wrack his body. I've never seen him weep this badly, burying his face against my shoulder when I pull him close. It sickens me, watching someone so cheerful break down this way.  
  
"... f-- forgive... m-- me...."  
  
I almost miss it between the heaving sobs. He remembers everything, and I can't imagine the horror and the guilt he must be feeling. I want to tell him it wasn't his fault, but my comforting would also make me a liar. Yes, he chose his path of his own free will, but in the end he also chose to break away from it. What he needs now is understanding, not accusation.  
  
"Shh, don't cry anymore. I forgive you, Riku."  
  
It's all I can say. Now it's up to him to forgive himself. I hold him as he held me, letting him cry out a lifetime of pain and regret. Now he understands why he feels the need to be so gentle and meek, to make up for the sins of arrogance and jealousy in a life he couldn't even remember this morning. His fingers bite into my arms as he holds onto me, afraid to let go.  
  
Laying on the carpet on either side of us, where I dropped them, Yggdrasil and its brother blade hum softly. Riku's keyblade is beautiful, the shaft and guard formed of intricately wound tendrils of silver and gold and crystal, dancing with faint many-colored lights that fade in and out like a dream. They coil upward, embracing a crystal blade like a large, open lotus blossom in profile, the petals forming a sharp, spiny blade lit brightly from within by a glow that slowly shifts color through the spectrum, into white, and back again.  
  
"Riku, take this."  
  
I pick up his keyblade, prying him away from me just enough to press it into his grip. He looks down at it with only the softest of sniffles and hiccups, the keyblade's magic easing his pain as Yggdrasil did for me. His lips move, shaping a word in a daze as if speaking for the soul within metal and crystal.  
  
"Euphoria...."  
  
"You remember."  
  
"It's different now, but... I'd know it in any form." He's whispering, rattled to the core by the sight of this impossible thing that he somehow knows very intimately. He sits up on his own power, head bowed as he lays the keyblade across his lap. "Euphoria... that's its name now...."  
  
I'm at a loss for what to do now. Everything we thought was real is paper thin now, a dull layer thrown over reality to mask it, but now that layer is tearing and I don't know how we'll cope. I flap my arms once, helplessly, and blow a frustrated breath upward through my bangs. Riku is quiet, all cried out and trying to make sense of his world being turned upside-down.  
  
Euphoria thrums in Riku's hand. Riku makes a throttled noise, head snapping back and his eyes hazing with light again. Behind it, his pupils are hugely dilated. He looks like he's seriously stoned, but such is the nature of Euphoria's power. Though I've never seen this particular form of a keyblade in action, I can easily imagine what it's doing.  
  
"What is it, Riku? What do you see?"  
  
His voice rasps between his lips, quiet and fearful, the pillar of logic momentarily transformed into the mouthpiece for something far greater than either of us.  
  
"... they're coming...."  
  
"Who?" Fear clenches my heart even as I ask. I know who's coming, but I would be able to deny it until the name is spoken.  
  
"... Heartless... are coming...."  
  
Fuck. I was hoping he'd prove me wrong anyway. They've always been drawn to the keyblades, and with the strong pulse of power from two healthy blades, how could they not be lured here? They certainly didn't take their sweet time tracking us down.  
  
"You know what we have to do. We're the only ones who can."  
  
Riku slumps, barely catching himself with one arm braced behind him. "... I can't...."  
  
"Bullshit. You were the rightful keyblade master before me. You know how to fight. We have to fight."  
  
"... what if I slip again, Sora? I've been tempted by darkness before... what if I give in a second time? How can I put you and the whole world at risk?" I've never heard him sound so melancholy before. His voice says he's lost all will to struggle, to do what he and I were born to do.  
  
He sounds like me.  
  
"Riku, listen to me. If we don't fight, if one or both of us sits here and does nothing, then the danger will be more immediate and certain. People will die. We have to at least try. That's why we're here."  
  
"But they felt the keyblades... if it wasn't for us, they wouldn't come here in the first place...."  
  
"Eventually, they would have. This world isn't sealed, it's not safe. We'll make it safe."  
  
"I can't...."  
  
Anger sends a streak of hot tightness up my throat. I get up and grab his arm, yanking him to his feet. He yelps, staring at me almost fearfully.  
  
"You can and you will. You want to make up for what you did in the past? Then move your ass and help me save the fucking world!"  
  
Hauling him into the bedroom, I quickly start throwing on clothes... heavy black bondage jeans, black boots, and a black t-shirt emblazoned with angry red letters: "Do not start with me. You will not win." I'm pulling on my new windbreaker when I notice Riku isn't moving. Growling, I toss an outfit at him.  
  
"Get dressed."  
  
Mechanically, as if he's afraid to argue with me in this mindset, he starts pulling on what I've thrown him. The reflective straps on the baggy UFOs confuse him until I fix them, and the shirt makes him erk in surprise: "Hurting you is the last thing on my mind. But it's still on the list."  
  
"Sora, I don't think this is practical...."  
  
"What, you think you're gonna fight evil in khakis and a sweater? Maybe they'll laugh themselves to death."  
  
I shove his leather jacket into his arms, letting him fumble it on before we grab our keyblades again. Then I drag him to the balcony doors, sliding them open. A burst of icy air swirls around us, raising gooseflesh on my arms and legs and whipping my hair into my face. The snow is so thick, the entire city seems softened by it. I hear a loud crack in the distance, watching as one of the trees in Central Park topples under the weight of the ice coating it. I let go of Riku and shove my hair away from my face, stepping out onto the balcony. Somehow, I'm cold but not freezing, the light shining from Yggdrasil protecting me from the elements. I glance down over the railing, scanning the streets far below, and I see the horde of small dark shapes chasing a man down the street. He stumbles and falls, giving the Heartless the chance to catch up with him.  
  
Instinct kicks in. I leap up onto the railing, hearing Riku's shriek of horror before I launch myself into open air.  
  
It's like I never really forgot my own abilities, gliding toward the street in a tight, downward spiral with only Yggdrasil's magic and my own faith to hold me aloft. The Heartless feel me coming, pausing in their pursuit of their prey to look up. I meet their attention with a savage snarl, straightening my flight into a direct plunge, led by Yggdrasil. The keyblade stabs into the back of one shadow, an abrupt twist turning the creature into spreading wisps of darkness and a dark heart that floats away.  
  
The man is long gone, but even so I'm still more worthwhile prey to these hungry monsters. They swarm over me, but Yggdrasil flashes out twice, my arms barely feeling the impacts as each swing cuts through several at a time. They hiss and howl as they die, inaudible to human hearing, but through the keyblade I can understand their harsh vocalizations. The Heartless curse me, even as they're driven to take my purified heart and the weapon I wield.  
  
One escapes my attention as I focus on the small group rising from the snow in front of me. I hear it hiss as it leaps at me from behind, only to bounce off a sphere of glowing wind that swells around me. It doesn't feel like Yggdrasil's magic, but it's so close it could only be from one source.  
  
I hear him land in the snow not far from me, and I turn in time to see him stumble a little. He looks shocked at his unintentional spellcasting. I just grin and flick him a salute before cutting down my would-be assassin.  
  
"Well, don't just stand there! We've gotta find the keyhole!"  
  
Thankfully, when I take off running, Riku follows, catching up quickly and keeping pace with my run. A second barrier springs up around him, helping us to plow through the deep slush and snow. But even protected from the cold, we're barely making headway into the drifts and the wind.  
  
"Can you sense it, Riku? I can feel it's south somewhere, but I don't know exactly where!"  
  
"No, I can't feel it! Sora, it will take hours to canvas the entire southern sector of Manhattan! We'll exhaust long before we find it!"  
  
He's right, but it won't stop me from looking. I don't want to die, but I'll drop dead of exhaustion before I let the Heartless take me. A fresh wave of them pour from the alleys, shadows and larger Soldiers and even a few Darkballs....  
  
Oh shit.  
  
A Behemoth.  
  
The monstrous creature lumbers around a corner and stops in our path, its bellowing roar shaking snow from the streetlights and the cornices of the buildings. Its horn sparks brightly, a shower of snapping stars tumbling down. The smaller Heartless charge us, unaffected by the deep snow, and it's all we can do to cut them down as they come. Riku cringes with the first few strikes, but slowly his body starts to remember and he falls into a pattern of step, pivot, slash, lunge. Unbelievable... he must've taken fencing in school. Prep school geek, indeed.  
  
The Behemoth marches forward, beady eyes focused on us. If it gets any closer, it'll hit us with a blast from its horn, and not even our barriers will protect us. I charge past Riku, who splits a Darkball in half with a vertical strike.  
  
"Sora, where are you going?!"  
  
I feel like a ninja, running with my arms held behind me, leaning forward into the wind. My shield burns through the snow, clearing a path as I rush the enemy. As the Heartless charges up for an attack, I leap up and forward, like an athlete going for a record long jump, and whip my body around. The momentum translates into a spinning slash, Yggdrasil cutting not once but twice across the monster's face. It rears back as I land on its snout, hooking my arm around the horn and ignoring the shock I get for my trouble. Blinded, the Behemoth roars, my ears ringing from the sound; I run along its head and pause on its back near the neck.  
  
"Eat it, bitch!"  
  
Yggdrasil sings a ringing war cry with me as I drive the blade deep into the back of the Heartless's neck. The beast explodes in a burst of darkness and electric energy, throwing me clear. Somehow, I flip over in midair and land in a three-point crouch, my keyblade held out to the side, ready. I feel powerful, unbeatable. Adrenaline courses through me like never before, leaving me lightheaded with happiness. I'm not helpless. I can make a difference in this life, and I will.  
  
"Sora!"  
  
Riku rushes up to me, his free hand clutching his right bicep. Blood trickles down his arm, soaking into the leather of his jacket. I'm on my feet in an instant, touching the wound and summoning healing energy from Yggdrasil. Leafy vines of light coil around his arm, the gash and the blood vanishing in the green glow. Only the cut in the leather shows that anything was there before.  
  
"Better?"  
  
Riku nods mutely, that lost look in his eyes again. "What are we doing, Sora... how can we save the whole world, when we can barely get through this bloody snow?"  
  
I open my mouth to answer, but a high-pitched whinny cuts me off. Looking down the street, I see two horses in riding tack being menaced by a couple of Soldier Heartless. I aim Yggdrasil over Riku's shoulder and launch two quick blasts of fire that consume both Heartless. Riku turns to look, getting the idea immediately. He whistles, and the horses trot over gratefully, nuzzling us in thanks. They're police horses... their partners must've been taken by the Heartless just before we arrived. Riku swings into the saddle of his horse easily. Oh, it figures he's had riding lessons, too!  
  
"Showoff."  
  
I glare, but there's no real sting in the words. I set my keyblade in the snow so I can scramble onto the other horse. Thankfully it's a patient animal to put up with my fumbling, whickering softly until I'm settled. I hold out my hand, and Yggdrasil vanishes, reappearing in my grip. Riku nudges his horse, sending it galloping and plunging through the drifts. I dig my toes into my mount's sides, swearing as I'm jerked backward when it suddenly takes off after Riku.  
  
"God damn this bony thing's running when I want it to trot and it's trying to throw me off and I CAN'T FUCKING STEER!"  
  
"Stop being so melodramatic, Sora! Remember, this was your idea!"  
  
"So it was a bad idea!"  
  
Actually, it's not. The streets are flying past, and I finally get my balance back enough to hold the reins in my left hand and Yggdrasil in my right. Heartless try to chase us down, leaping at Riku and me in an attempt to knock us from the saddles, but we cut them out of the air without a pause. Most of them are left behind, a black swell like a malignant tide racing after us.  
  
"Up there!"  
  
Riku points toward the southeast, where the Empire State Building rises above the rest of the skyscrapers. At first, it looks like the antenna is ablaze with St. Elmo's fire, but then the metal rod splits down the center, the two halves glowing brighter and brighter as they bend and curve into a familiar shape.  
  
"That's it! Let's go, let's go!"  
  
I kick the horse again, hanging on for dear life as it rockets down Eighth Avenue. When we reach West 34th, I tug on the reins, praying that the animal will respond. The horse wheels left, kicking a shadow out of the way. All I can see is the huge glowing keyhole atop the skyscraper, dim radiance shimmering across the opening formed by the manipulated antenna.  
  
We stop at the base of the building, sliding off our exhausted mounts. Riku goes right for the doors... only to discover they're locked tight. Not only that, the lights are off... it looks like the keyhole blew out the power in the entire building. Even if we could get inside, the stairs aren't an option. We'd never make it to the top in time.  
  
A loud cracking sound catches our attention from somewhere high above our heads. Something is happening around the keyhole, and if we don't get there soon, we've lost.  
  
"All this way, and we can't even get to the keyhole...." Riku looks like he's marching to his doom, Euphoria dangling forgotten from his hand. "We're buggered."  
  
I look up the side of the skyscraper, hundreds upon hundreds of feet of glass and concrete in a sheer vertical ascent. There's only one way to the top now, if we have the faith to do it. I grab Riku's hand.  
  
"When I say go, start running. No matter what, don't stop."  
  
"Run where?"  
  
"Up the side."  
  
"Are you mad?! We can't climb walls!"  
  
"Of course we can't. But we can run up them."  
  
Riku shakes his head, pulling his hand out of my grip. "It's not possible!"  
  
"Just do it or we're fucked! Now run!"  
  
I shove him toward the building, hard enough to make him stumble briefly. I bolt past him, though his long legs let him catch up quickly. Twenty feet... ten feet... five feet... then my foot makes contact with the side of the building and I just keep going, leaning forward slightly as I charge up the vertical face of the tallest skyscraper in the city. Riku is right beside me, nearly hyperventilating with terror.  
  
Then from somewhere near the top, shadows start pouring down like a living waterfall, dropping toward us and slashing with their claws as they fall. Razors of pain break past my faltering barrier, leaving me with burning, oozing slices all over my body. Riku isn't faring much better, his silver hair streaked with red from a forehead wound. But we can only take out the ones heading right for us, threatening to body slam us off the side; any more effort toward fighting could mean losing our footing.  
  
My lungs feel like they're about to burst, my body aching from the assault of the falling Heartless. Mercifully, we see our respite just ahead: the crackling sounds we heard before are from the shadows welling around the base of the keyhole, solidifying into a twisted, roughly circular platform held up by a gnarled "trunk" growing out of the antenna tower. I don't need to say a word to Riku; we both make a break for the platform, launching ourselves up and grabbing the edge. Riku pulls himself to safety just as my hands start to slip, but he leans over and hauls me up with a groan.  
  
We lay there, panting for breath. My heart pounds so hard it feels like it's trying to batter my ribs into powder from within. Just above us, the keyhole hums and pulses with raw energy.  
  
"... hurts to breathe... so cold...."  
  
Riku coughs, not faring much better as he tries to focus for a healing spell. "No one else here... rest for just a moment...."  
  
He gasps, yanked to his knees by his hair. I struggle up, brandishing Yggdrasil in shaky hands, ready despite my fatigue to take the bastard's head off.  
  
Different face.  
  
Same silver hair, just without the points.  
  
Fiery orange eyes.  
  
"Even now, you two cause me nothing but trouble...."  
  
Fuck me blind.  
  
"... f-- father... how...."  
  
Riku gasps in pain, twisting in his captor's grip to get a good look at the face attached to a familiar voice. His eyes widen in horror.  
  
"... w-- what's happened to you...?!"  
  
Sinclair Whitebridge, vessel of Lord Ansem, smiles viciously down at his son before turning that grin on me.  
  
"I told you to stay away from my son."  
  
"Get bent, Ansem. Riku's father may be a dick, but he doesn't deserve to be your lap dog." My lips curl back in a nasty smirk. "Or are you afraid to face us directly?"  
  
Ansem takes a few steps toward me, dragging Riku by the hair. Riku's face is twisted with pain, the pressure aggravating his head wound.  
  
"Just how long do you think I've been in this body? A few hours? Oh no, I've been here since before your keyblade first began to resonate. You were easy to find, throwing out so much energy."  
  
"I've had seizures all through this life."  
  
"I know." His smile is positively horrible now.  
  
... oh god, that's sick.  
  
"... you were in Sinclair before Riku's mother got pregnant... you're...."  
  
"I suppose you'll never know for certain, now will you?" His smile tightens into a frown, glaring down at Riku. Riku struggles in his grip, trying to pull free. "Keep that up and you'll tear your hair out, boy."  
  
"... let me... go...."  
  
Riku grits his teeth, twisting one more time and sweeping back with his leg. Ansem goes sprawling, surprise making him lose his hold on Riku, who scrambles over to me.  
  
"You'll regret that." Ansem gets to his feet, dusting off his suit and folding his arms across his chest. He hovers slightly off the ground, trenchcoat drifting out behind him in the wind. "Come to me, keyblade masters. Let us dance one last time...."  
  
I look at Riku. He looks back at me. We nod as one and raise our weapons.  
  
"Forget what he looks like. It's our duty."  
  
"I know."  
  
Together, we charge.  
  
Ansem meets us halfway, his Heartless guardian shadow appearing to block and slash at us. Half of my strikes are met with the thing's resistance, the other half catching him just enough to hurt him a little. Riku doesn't seem to be faring much better, judging by the hollow pings of Euphoria meeting the Heartless's unseen shield. I take a step back to heal and recast my barrier, then dive back in. Yggdrasil slides against Euphoria, both blades laying nearly side by side as our twin lunge stabs at Ansem's empty chest. We barely nick him before he slides away, only to dart in again, laughing.  
  
"Submit!"  
  
"Riku, get out of the way!"  
  
I dive for Riku and shove him aside, feeling the guardian's claws sink into me instead. Then the Heartless is within me, an unbearable chill that wraps its hands around my heart, waiting for its master's order.  
  
"Come... open your heart...."  
  
The hands squeeze, and I can't stop a cry as a knife's edge of agony shoots through my chest. It's crushing the life out of me, those few seconds of suffering enough to make me drop to one knee. I take two quick breaths, rallying myself, then surge to my feet again. Immediately, the command rings out, and a second compression rips a scream from my lungs as I double over. God, it hurts more this time than it did when I fought him a lifetime ago.  
  
Ansem laughs, but it quickly becomes an outraged cry when Riku leaps up, bringing Euphoria down in a hard overhead strike. It swats Ansem out of the air, and we see the Heartless lord bleeds shadow from a wound in his shoulder that should've taken his arm clean off. Riku barely has time to land before he lashes out again. Ansem calls the guardian off me just in time to block his attack, sending Riku hopping back to compensate for the ricochet. The Heartless claws him in mid-hop, Riku hissing as he immediately triggers a healing spell, only to be struck again and again before he can complete it.  
  
The splashes of blood across the platform send a blinding red haze over my vision. He'll never stop hurting us, will he? It's our fate to be chased across worlds, hunting and hunted.  
  
I'm tired. I want to rest. I want peace.  
  
I straighten, both hands tightening on Yggdrasil, which sings such a note within my heart that the very keyhole vibrates with it. Ansem whirls, shocked and perhaps horrified, as I thrust the point of the keyblade into the air, calling down every last ounce of power I can muster.  
  
The top of the tower is engulfed in blinding white light, rippled through with crackling veins of blue and green. I've never cast this spell before, but I know it because Yggdrasil knows it. Ultima, the keyblade calls it, the unstoppable energy of raw natural fury, and it tears through Ansem's blocking guardian like tissue paper. A wave of concussive force slams into the Heartless lord, blasting him back almost to the opposite edge of the platform. Only quick thinking saves him from going over, one strong hand snaring the obedient shadows under him to keep him there.  
  
It's not enough to save him from the keyblade driving into his back, pinning him to the platform like a butterfly in a shadow box. The darkness howls with him, rebelling at its master's pain. Ansem coughs up thick inky blackness, the light in his eyes flickering.  
  
Riku squeezes his eyes shut, tears rolling down his cheeks.  
  
"I'm sorry, father... I still love you, even if you've forgotten how to love me."  
  
He twists the keyblade deeper. I hear the lotus petals catch on the hard surface under Ansem's body with a grinding scrape.  
  
Ansem chokes once, pitifully, and sags as the lights within Euphoria flare brightly, eating away the darkness within him. His body breaks into countless dark lights, scattering to the winds like embers in a storm. Riku nearly collapses, weeping brokenly... there's no way to know if Sinclair actually died with Ansem, but there's no time to think of it now. I can hear the Heartless army clawing their way back up the building toward us... toward the keyhole.  
  
"Riku, hurry! We have to close it!"  
  
Riku drags himself toward the keyhole, his face a mask of agony. He looks as bad as I feel, covered with cuts and bruises, his hair a snarled, bloody halo. We lean against each other, raising our keyblades toward the keyhole, his still covered with dark ichor that makes the lights inside it seem all the more beautiful. Guiding our will through the blades makes us tremble, twin beams of brilliance flashing out to strike the keyhole dead center.  
  
Nothing happens.  
  
The Heartless are getting closer, howling for our hearts in their foul alien language.  
  
"... Riku, do you remember Kingdom Hearts? Remember the door?"  
  
"... yes...." He sounds so old and tired. I wish I could be here to comfort him for the rest of his life, but fate rarely lets us have what we want.  
  
"... this time, it's my turn."  
  
I take a running jump, the surface of the keyhole's gateway breaking over me like diving into a pool of moonlight.  
  
"SORA, NO!"  
  
Beyond the keyhole, there is... god, I can't describe it. The only thing that makes sense is the massive, slow pulse of the heart of this world. I'm bathed in the feeling, my own heart making a subtle shift to match its rhythm.  
  
For a moment, connected to the world's heart, I am the world. Everything in it is a part of me. I almost feel like a benevolent god.  
  
And it's my duty to protect the world, no matter what the sacrifice might be.  
  
But it doesn't mean I don't have the right to cry about it.  
  
"Oh god, Riku... I'm so sorry... but one of us has to be on this side."  
  
"You can't! You can't do this!" He's on the brink of losing it, our moment of happiness nearly shattered forever. It always has to be this way, doesn't it? "Sora, please... come out of there, we'll find another way!"  
  
I lay my hands against the gateway, like touching the surface of a glass-smooth lake. "There is no other way. Think, Riku... if your mother was still alive, would she want you to destroy the world if it meant saving her?"  
  
He shakes his head, the pain in his eyes making my own tear up.  
  
"I don't want that, either. Happiness would mean nothing with that kind of guilt."  
  
Riku moves closer, laying his hands on the gateway over my own. Through the energy, I can feel his touch as if there was nothing between us, and I remember being entwined in his arms, bare flesh to bare flesh, hearts beating in unison as they always have.  
  
As they always would.  
  
"Someday, it will end. The keyblades aren't selfish... someday, we'll find our peace, and we'll be together."  
  
"But how will I find you...?"  
  
I can feel his grief as acutely as if it was my own, resonating through the bond between us and our keyblades. Yggdrasil and Euphoria croon softly, echoing our sorrow.  
  
"... your face could change a thousand times, and I would know you. We will find each other. I promise. It may be another world, it may be another lifetime. But I still promise."  
  
"... I love you, Sora...."  
  
"And I love you. I always will."  
  
My lips touch the shimmering energy of the gateway, and his meet mine in a kiss so sweet I can almost forget what we're about to do. It lasts only a moment before we part, taking aim at each other through the force parting us. The light from the keyblades meets and mingles, spreading out through the glow of the keyhole. I watch Riku's face until it's lost in the brilliance. Only then do I sob, letting the click of the lock drown out the sound.  
  
I settle back into the heart of the world, feeling it surround me in a mother's embrace. For once, the darkness isn't frightening, but instead the soothing, warm nothingness of the womb, where I will wait until my time comes once again.  
  
To be concluded.... 


	13. Epilogue At The Beginning

Ansem was right about one thing. Darkness does sprout within the heart, consuming where it is left unchecked. It's as much a part of every one of us as our emotions, our desire to live.  
  
Every world I go to, I see war. People know so much hatred and anger, and it seems the only way they know how to let it out is through violence. I help where I can, healing the wounded, rebuilding homes destroyed in the chaos. Four years have given my body a strength I never had before, my face no longer sunken and my bones not so sharply defined through my skin. I feel healthy, perhaps even at peace even with the suffering around me. To see them smile when I offer fruits I've gathered or a loaf of bread I baked myself makes me feel that much more alive.  
  
Still, nothing can ever completely fill the aching hole in my heart.  
  
There's nothing more I can do for the soldier laying before me. He found his peace long before I ever got to him. I pull a tattered blanket over his body and get back on my feet, feeling old despite my newfound health. This world is the worst of them all, torn by civil war for hundreds of years, each side forbidden to waste resources by healing their fallen enemies. The healers of the eastern region took me in when I arrived here, and I repaid them by learning their craft so I could aid in their work. But I don't play favorites. I help anyone I can, no matter what side they're on. Not even the scolding of the healers can dissuade me, and they need me too much to banish me.  
  
I pour a sip or two of water down the throat of the next man, offering a half-hearted smile when he whispers his gratitude. He's just exhausted and will be fine in a day or two with good food and rest. Further down the line, another youth isn't so lucky. Even from here, I can see the burns covering his body, only the outline of his flat chest through his torn shirt proving that he's even male. The protective wrapping around his head has come loose, falling over his face to all but cover the awful wounds there. Quickly, I hurry to his side, knowing that even a moment could mean losing him.  
  
The healers shout at me not to bother with the foreign soldier, but I can't stand to see such pain. I fall to my knees beside him, knowing that I can't use my healing magic... to do so would violate the "world order" rule I'd been reminded of so much in my first life. But the healer's elixirs and salves won't do anything for this poor man. He chokes, blindly reaching out for someone to comfort him as he dies. Swallowing the sick feeling in my gut, I take his hand, leaning forward to whisper words of comfort.  
  
From under my shirt and cloak slips my pendant, catching the hazy sunlight and throwing it across his eyes in a warm amber splash.  
  
His eyes flicker open, beautiful pale green, confusion slowly giving way to dim recognition.  
  
My heart stops, the world around me stopping with it.  
  
I pull the wrappings from his face, the dirty cloth slithering away to loose a spill of lovely silver hair, streaked with ashes.  
  
Yggdrasil sings within me, the reflected sunlight within my pendant drowned by its own inner brilliance. Unbidden, my healing magic swells forth, stronger than I ever remembered it. The green and gold light flows across the battlefield, and everyone who can watch it does so in awe. But its magic is only for him, pouring into his veins, dead and burned skin sloughing off to reveal healthy flesh beneath it. I pull him to my chest even as my keyblade finishes working its spell on him, a choked sob of unbelieving joy finding its way from me as I feel his arms wrap tightly around my back.  
  
This time, I'm not too late. As we've served the keyblades, we now have the one reward we've both longed for. Years of searching, of never losing hope, and our faith in love has finally borne the sweetest of fruits.  
  
"I promised we'd find each other...."  
  
And so quickly, I find myself forgetting the emptiness, the darkness.  
  
Within us, there is only light.  
  
We were strangers  
Starting out on a journey  
Never dreaming what we'd have to go through  
Now here we are  
And I'm suddenly standing  
At the beginning with you  
  
No one told me I was going to find you  
Unexpected, what you did to my heart  
When I lost hope  
You were there to remind me  
This is the start  
  
Life is a road, and I want to keep going  
Love is a river I want to keep flowing  
Life is a road, now and forever  
A wonderful journey  
I'll be there when the world stops turning  
I'll be there when the storm is through  
At the end I want to be standing at the beginning  
With you  
  
We were strangers  
On a crazy adventure  
Never dreaming how our dreams could come true,  
Now here we stand  
Unafraid of the future  
At the beginning with you  
  
And life is a road, and I want to keep going  
Love is a river I want to keep flowing  
Life is a road, now and forever  
A wonderful journey  
I'll be there when the world stops turning  
I'll be there when the storm is through  
At the end I want to be standing at the beginning  
With you  
  
I knew there was somebody somewhere  
Like me alone in the dark  
Now I know my dream will live on  
I've been waiting so long  
Nothing's going to tear us apart  
  
And life is a road and I want to keep going  
Love is a river I want to keep flowing  
Life is a road, now and forever  
A wonderful journey  
I'll be there when the world stops turning  
I'll be there when the storm is through  
In the end I want to be standing at the beginning  
With you  
  
And life is a road, and I want to keep going  
Love is a river I want to keep going on  
Starting out on a journey  
Life is a road and I want to keep going  
Love is a river I want to keep flowing  
In the end I want to be standing at the beginning  
With you  
  
Owari  
  
Song is credited to Donna Lewis & Richard Marx: "At The Beginning" from Anastasia  
  
**GAME OVER**  
  
_Insert coin(s) to continue?  
Credit(s) 0/2_

**Their story is not yet over....**


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